Missing...

I know I've placed this on my blog... But I really miss Jeoff so much...

Family Traps

Family Portrait - P!nk

I don't even know why the hell I'm blogging about it. I guess I don't really have anywhere else where I can actually say what the hell I feel, so I better just go ahead and state what I need to state.

I'm friggin' tired of being an older sister.

Funny, you say...

Yup, I dunno if anyone has ever treated being part of a family as a job but I am on this job 24/7. I actually want to give up on it. The more I think about it, the more it allows me to rationalize and justify what I am feeling.

I am from a family of very-together parents, and a brother that is not so together in his brain. I actually have the complex of a middle child brought on by the fact that I am the middle kid. Yes folks... I had a elder brother, who died while he was a fetus inside my momma's tummy. I exhibit the classic symptoms of the middle child syndrome...

The middle or second born child or children often have the sense of not belonging. They fight to receive attention from parents and others because they feel many times they are being ignored or dubbed off as being the same as another sibling. Being in the middle a child can feel insecure. The middle child often lacks drive and looks for direction from the first born child. Sometimes a middle child feels out of place because they are not over achievers and like to go with the flow of things.

Being a middle child would mean they are loners. They really don’t like to latch on to a person in a relationship, there fore they have trouble keeping one due to lack of interest. Not liking to take the limelight for anything, they are not over achievers and just simply work enough work to get by, and typically that goes with school as well as a career. They are however very artistic and creative. If forced to use abilities they will work well, but do not work well under pressure. They often start several projects but rarely keep focused long enough to finish a project. The best career move for a middle child would be along the lines of using their creative. Going into a writing or journalism career, and into a career that they could freely express themselves would be good. Anything that would have hours that are flexible, and projects that frequently changed would be good for a middle born child. Since relationships are not of high importance to a middle child, often times they are alone. However, the best possible match for a middle child would be a last born.

Source: http://www.essortment.com/all/whatismiddlec_rsoe.htm

I have always wondered why the hell I always feel that my parents never really loved me the same way my brother was loved. He gets off scot-free, while I suffer asking for penance for everything I have done, good or bad.

Case in point, last Sunday, the belligerent brat decided to bring his highly pretentious GF to the house for an overnight stay. With Mama being away for the weekend to go back to the province and visit her kin, I was in charge. He threw a fit when I simply asked "You're not sleeping in the same room, are you?". What ensued was a heated exchange of words. Followed by pretentious GF saying calmly "I think I'll just go home...". (Obviously, she wouldn't be caught in the middle of a family drama which she herself caused, let alone be subjected to the darts of fury I have to lash out against her.) He slammed the door shut, almost locking me in the house. Upon trying to pry our ancient metal door open, I kept thinking to myself if I was wrong, if I was too strict... I sent an SMS to my mom, who after 2 hours later confirmed that she did approve of the overnight stay of the pretentious GF in the house, but had assumed that it was for Saturday and not Sunday night. That really got to me.

If I was actually to bring a strange man into my home, into my room, when I was 21... would my mom have gotten

a. a shotgun
b. dinner for the man
c. happy that her daughter will finally get laid

That is a question that will haunt my mind forever.

What happened next was also detrimental to my mental health as Mama got back home and spoke nothing of the incident. Like it was something normal.

Tuesday night, I come home with my belligerent brat of a brother (Yes, I love alliterations!) with his friends on the couch, watching TV and smoking. This was at 2AM... Do I react? Nope. I march straight up to my room. I told my dad the next morning to please tell my friggin' brother that I would really love some quiet time to myself, stress and all from the office. My Mama then tells my brother to lay off the late night couch sessions. My brother then texts me very hurtful messages like "Stay out of my fucking business" and "You're such a bitch...". Maybe I am. I forward the messages to my Mama, thinking she'd castigate the little freak to which she says "Just ignore him..."

Ok...I totally get it. The little repugnant brat was just venting. I want to vent to by calling him names no respectable newspaper would be caught dead printing. But nope, I just have to ignore it. I am trying to but it just cuts right to you. You know, back then, I was thinking, I want to raise my kids the same way my parents raised me but come to think of it... nope.

Sure I never did drugs. I didn't sleep around. I couldn't f*cking kill a bird, let alone another human being, but damn, I couldn't love myself for what I am cos I feel like I am never good enough. I was never given much discipline so I tried to be rigid and disciplined for my sake. I always was honest because I thought that the only way people can be honest with me is if I actually pushed myself to be a good person, good enough to never lie. I became a recluse, fighting for a friggin' chance to be a director, engulfing myself with so much eff*ng work, it ain't funny no more so I can prove to myself that I still got it... Even in my relationship with my fiance, I need to hear that I am loved for me to know that I am loved. I need to be valued and appreciated cos I never felt appreciated. How's that for f*cking twisted?!

Last night, when I got into a cab, I whipped out my phone and started typing the plate number of the cab I was riding. It was 1:30AM... and I just realized, oh right, Jeoff's dad is en route to Toronto... His dad asked me to ALWAYS send him the cab info everytime I go home. (Pretty preposterous, right, since I'm a 27 year-old woman who has always been taking cabs... ) I sent the message to Jeoff instead. He replied, "...you should send it to your folks. " The thing is my folks never asked me to actually text them any kind of information as to where I am. Could it be that for some malignant reason, his dad actually loves me more than my own folks do?

Bucket List

I watched "The Bucket List" last Sunday evening. It was one tear-jerking, crazy funny movie that everyone has to see...

I'm so amazed with how the story was played-out. It all starts with Morgan Freeman's character, Carter, who was diagnosed with cancer and was brought into Mr. Edward Cole's (Jack Nicholson) hospital. When Edward was diagnosed with cancer as well, he was made to bunk in with Carter due to his own policies about hospital rooms having 2 patients each. What followed was a barrage of disturbing chemo-related stories and them weakening with every day. One day, Carter was scribbling his bucket list - a list of things that he wanted to do before he kicked the bucket. It's an amazing and beautiful story where Carter sees the world with a friend, his profession being an auto-mechanic with a brain that could beat Jeopardy contestants in a heartbeat while Edward finances everything that they have written on the bucket list.

Towards the latter part, Edward gets a letter from Carter

Dear Edward,

I've gone back and forth the last few days trying to decide whether or not I should even write this. In the end, I realized I would regret it if I didn't, so here it goes. I know the last time we saw each other, we weren't exactly hitting the sweetest notes-certain wasn't the way I wanted the trip to end. I suppose I'm responsible and for that, I'm sorry. But in all honestly, if I had the chance, I'd do it again. Virginia said I left a stranger and came back a husband; I owe that to you. There's no way I can repay you for all you've done for me, so rather than try, I'm just going to ask you to do something else for me-find the joy in your life. You once said you're not everyone. Well, that's true-you're certainly not everyone, but everyone is everyone. My pastor always says our lives are streams flowing into the same river towards whatever heaven lies in the mist beyond the falls. Find the joy in your life, Edward. My dear friend, close your eyes and let the waters take you home.

One of my favorite scenes was the eulogy for Carter where Edward was crying and he strikes "Help a complete stranger" off the list when he realized that Carter helped him more than he could ever imagine.

Good afternoon. My name is Edward Cole. I don't know what most people say at these occasions because in all honesty, I've tried to avoid them. The simplest thing is I loved him and I miss him. Carter and I saw the world together, which is amazing when you think that only three months ago we were complete strangers. I hope that it doesn't sound selfish of me, but the last months of his life were the best months of mine. He saved my life, and he knew it before I did. I'm deeply proud that this man found it worth his while to know me. In the end, I think it's safe to say that we brought some joy to one another's lives, so one day, when I go to some final resting place, if I happen to wake up next to a certain wall with a gate, I hope that Carter's there to vouch for me and show me the ropes on the other side.

It also stars Sean Hayes as "Tom", Edward's assistant and butler who is actually named Matthew but was renamed by Edward only because Matthew seems too biblical. 5 stars from me for the funny, sad and deeply moving movie.

Numerology and Names

Funny, I got this off Cara's site. Kinda accurate though... This link is where you can check it out...

You entered: Michelle

There are 8 letters in your name.
Those 8 letters total to 40
There are 3 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:
Hebrew Female Close to God. Feminine form of Michael: Who is like God? Gift from God.
French Female Feminine of Michael: gift from God.

Your number is: 4

The characteristics of #4 are: A foundation, order, service, struggle against limits, steady growth.

The expression or destiny for #4:
Order, service, and management are the cornerstones of the number 4 Expression. Your destiny is to express wonderful organization skills with your ever practical, down-to-earth approach. You are the kind of person who is always willing to work those long, hard hours to push a project through to completion. A patience with detail allows you to become expert in fields such as building, engineering, and all forms of craftsmanship. Your abilities to write and teach may lean toward the more technical and detailed. In the arts, music will likely be your choice. Artistic talents may also appear in such fields as horiculture and floral arrangement, as well. Many skilled physicians and especially surgeons have the 4 Expression.

The positive attitudes of the 4 Expression yield responsibility; you are one who no doubt, fulfills obligations, and is highly systematic and orderly. You are serious and sincere, honest and faithful. It is your role to help and you are required to do a good job at everything you undertake.

If there is too much 4 energies present in your makeup, you may express some of the negative attitudes of the number 4. The obligations that you face may tend to create frustration and feelings of limitation or restriction. You may sometimes find yourself nursing negative attitudes in this regard and these can keep you in a rather low mood. Avoid becoming too rigid, stubborn, dogmatic, and fixed in your opinions. You may have a tendency to develop and hold very strong likes and dislikes, and some of these may border on the classification of prejudice. The negative side of 4 often produces dominant and bossy individuals who use disciplinarian to an excess. These tendencies must be avoided. Finally, like nearly all with 4 Expression, you must keep your eye on the big picture and not get overly wrapped up in detail and routine.

Your Soul Urge number is: 1

A Soul Urge number of 1 means:
Your Soul Urge is the number 1. With a Soul Urge number of 1, you want to lead and direct, to work independent of supervision, by yourself or with subordinates. You take pride in your abilities and want to be recognized for them. You may seek opportunities to display your strength and usefulness, wanting to create and originate. In your desire to manage the big picture and the main issues, you may often leave the details to others.

The positive 1 Soul Urge is Ambitious and determined, a leader seeking opportunities. There is a great deal of honesty and loyalty in this character. If you possess positive 1 Soul Urge qualities, you are very attainment oriented and driven to success. You are a loyal friend and strictly fair in your business dealings.

The negative side of the 1 Soul Urge must be avoided. A negative 1 is apt to dominate situations and people; the home, the spouse, the family and the business. Emotions aren't strong in this nature. If you possess an excess of 1 energy, you may, at times, be boastful and egotistic. You must avoid being too critical and impatient of trifles. The great need of the 1 Soul Urge is the development of friendliness, and a sincere interest in people.

Your Inner Dream number is: 3

An Inner Dream number of 3 means:
You dream of artistic expression; writing, painting, music. You would seek to more freely express your inner feeling and obtain more enjoyment from life. You also dream of being more popular, likable, and appreciated.

This is Jeoff's...

You entered: Jeoffrey

There are 8 letters in your name.
Those 8 letters total to 45
There are 3 vowels and 5 consonants in your name.

Your number is: 9

The characteristics of #9 are: Humanitarian, giving nature, selflessness, obligations, creative expression.

The expression or destiny for #9:
The expression that you exhibit is represented bythe number 9. Your talents center in humanistic interests and approaches. You like to help others as you were intended to be the 'big brother or big sister' type. You operate best when you follow your feelings and sense of compassion, and allow yourself to be sensitive to the needs of others. You work well with people, and have the potential to inspire. This suggests that you could successfully teach or counsel. Creative ability, imagination and artistic talent (often latent) of the highest order are present in this expression. It's possible that you're not using or developing all of these capabilities at this time. Some of your talents may have been used at an earlier time in your life, and some may still be latent. Be aware of your capabilities, so that you can make use of them at appropriate times.

If you are able to achieve the potential of your natural expression in this life, you are capable of much human understanding and have a lot to give to others. Your personal ambitions are likely to be maintained in a very positive perspective, never losing sight of an interest in people, and a sympathetic, tolerant, broad-minded and compassionate point of view. You are quite idealistic, and disappointed at the lack of perfection in the world. You have a strong awareness of your own feeling as well as those of others. Friendships, affection, and love are extremely important.

Undeveloped or ignored, the negative side of the 9 expression can be very selfish and self-centered. If you do not actively involve yourself with work that benefits others, you may tend to express just the opposite characteristics. It is your role to be very involved with other people and their needs, but it may be difficult for you achieve this role. Aloofness, lack of involvement, and a lack of sensitivity mark the low road of this expression.

Your Soul Urge number is: 7

A Soul Urge number of 7 means:
With a number 7 Soul Urge you are very fond of reading, and retreating to periods of being alone and away from the disruptions of the outer world. You like to dream and develop you idealistic understandings, to study and analyze, to gain knowledge and wisdom. You may be too laid back and withdrawn to really succeed in the business world, and you will be much more comfortable in circumstances that are tolerant of your reserve, your analytical approach, and your desire to use your mind rather than your physical being.

You are very timid around people that you don't know very well, so much so at times that casual conversation and social situations can be strained. You tend to repress your emotions to the extend that some people have a good bit of difficult understanding you. You tend to be very selective with friends and you don't easily adapt to new environments or to new people very quickly.

The negative traits of the 7 include becoming too much the introvert and isolated from others.

Your Inner Dream number is: 11

An Inner Dream number of 11 means:
You dream of casting the light of illumination; of being the true idealist. You secretly believe there is more to life than we can know or prove, and you would like to be provider of the 'word' from on high.

That seems accurate too. Weird...

Month of March

Hey Now Now - Swirl 360

I can't believe I haven't updated this blog for the past few months. I still can't believe that for some reason, I've been overwhelmed and swamped with work. My weekends are now sacred, thanks to a healthy dose of overtime work being rendered so I can finish all my deliverables.

I am quite exhausted.

For some reason, I think highly of myself when I'm able to finish a lot of the tasks assigned to me. I love stretching myself to the limit primarily because it makes me feel that at the end of the day, I did something miraculous and I was able to erect the Tower of Babel on my own. Currently, I am at a lost because I am THE only training and development coordinator in Merlin with two sites under her belt. I am the only project manager with no team... and I am the lone wolf in the firm belief that training can have a feasibly good return on investment. Yes, I didn't need Six Sigma Training to prove that.

When Brit Boy comes back, I am sure to tell him how horrible it has been without him. I know I could actually lose my job but man, I am pretty sure they've seen how cost-effective I have been. For some reason, I kinda make it effortless, except that, my boss the current VP did this to me...

From: VP
Sent: 20 March 2009 00:34
To: Meg
Subject: FW: Meg's schedule

Here it is…
________________________________________
From: Brit Boy
Sent: 16 March 2009 17:22
To: VP; Boss1
Subject: RE: Meg's schedule

Hi VP,

I think this was a misunderstanding caused because Brenda is on holiday and Viktoria is standing in for her. I don’t think Meg was really needed on Friday as they were just doing the assessment but Viktoria didn’t know this.

We’ll make sure to be strict with trainees on their attendance in future. This had not been raised with me previously. I want to make sure that Meg knows that her work is valued. Things are pretty hectic in Campaign2 and no-one blames Meg for any confusion last week.

Thanks,
Brit Boy

________________________________________
From: VP
Sent: Friday, March 13, 2009 1:08 PM
To: Boss 1; Brit Boy
Subject: Meg's schedule

Hi Bosses,

I just want to raise a concern from Meg about her training schedule. She confirmed with me last night that she has no schedule for Campaign2 today so she can handle the newhire training in Campaign1 but since she finished late yesterday she requested to come in at a late schedule.

This afternoon though or around 8am UK time, we received a call from Victoria of Campaign2 looking for Meg as there is a scheduled training which will start in an hour. I advised her that I’ll get in touch with Meg to confirm as she may not be aware of it but Victoria emphasized that there is a training and that’s basically the reason why they’ve asked those employees to come to work that time. She asked for an immediate return call from Meg and if she can do an assessment instead or ask questions from each of them.

I’ve talked to Meg about it and she has raised some concerns. First she wasn’t informed about the training today since the schedule she knows is for her to conduct the training within 3 days and she has completed that for the week. She actually expressed her disappointment on the schedule and was concerned that there might be an impression on her that she’s not doing her job but I told her that I’ll be explaining it to you as well to clarify the situation. Second, if there’s any urgent request for training or changes in schedule, it would help if an email will be sent in advance so she can prepare and ensure that she won’t miss out the schedule. Third, she has also given me feedback that sometimes the attendees are late and not prepared for their meeting despite her advance notice or email reminder, perhaps we can remind the Campaign2 team about it. Let me know as well if I can directly advise SDM of Campaign2 about it. Lastly, if there is an available timeline for Meg's task in Campaign2, would appreciate if we can have it so she can manage her time effectively. I have been getting feedback from other people that Meg is getting tired and burned out so I’d like her to take some time off on those dates that she won’t have training schedules with Campaign2.

Pls. let me know as well if there’s any assistance you need from me or if you have any feedback for Meg, Process Analyst and Bitchy QA so I can discuss it with them.

Many thanks,
VP

Ok, if that doesn't state that I don't know how to handle my time, I don't know what else to make of it. Furthermore, I did raise a concern but I didn't complain! Also, notice how she conveniently left me out of the email trail. Tsk tsk... Such is a manager...

Repost from FB

This was a tag from Yanka... Loved it cos at least there was something I did that was fun.

1. I am someone who is passionate about work, food, drinks, cigarettes, TV shows and love...

2. I hate shopping. I hate shopping cos of the crowd, the overpriced goods and the fact that most of the dresses I like don't fit me...

3. Before going to work, I love having a zen moment - I have a cup of coffee, I watch some TV and even read some magazines. This is prior to riding two commuter trains to get to work.

4. My very first kiss was in a cab and we were at the backseat. After the kiss, I sighed and I caught the sight of the cab driver smirking at us. Tsk tsk...

5. I practice self-mockery and extreme sarcasm well. I always tell people that the reason I don't wear pink is because I look like Miss Piggy. I actually like the way I look-that seems so narcissistic but seriously, I like the fact that I have a pair of eyes, a nose and lips.

6. When I commute, I like listening to extremely fast dance songs - think Britney, Fergie, Beyonce and N'Sync. This actually allows me to block out everything else. When I am working though, I'd go with the classics (Beatles, Metallica) or alternative (Incubus, Hoobastank, Switchfoot).

7. I am constantly haunted by dreams of falling down. It's weird. Sometimes I wake up because it seems like I'm struggling and I'd have forgotten the dream sequence when I wake up.

8. I can't sleep without a pillow next to me. I'm not lying on it, nor am I supposed to be hugging it, I just need a pillow next to me. I think my parents just covered the fact that I fell from my high crib when I was a child, hence no. 7. Hehe...

9. I am bothered by the sound of old jazz - as in the 1920's type of jazz... Don't ask me to explain why. I think in my past life, I was tortured to the tune of a ragtime favorite.

10. My favorite thing ever? A nicely brewed cup of slightly bitter coffee, sans the cream and syrup and everything else that makes it so fashionably elite ala Starbucks or Coffee Bean. And I never drink hot coffee or hot tea. It has to be served cold and iced.

11. Museums used to frighten me as a child. When I was 10, we had a field trip to the National Museum and part of the tour was to see displays of old Sagada coffins and petrified (mummified) bodies. I wasn't able to sleep for a whole week as I kept thinking of those mummies every night when my mom switches the lights off. I don't remember stepping into another museum until my junior year in college, when there was a research paper that had to be submitted for my Phil Institution class.

12. I don't consider myself an intellectually adept girl but most people consider me a nerd because I know how some chemicals are supposed to react with each other. I actually loved Chemistry (well, Inorganic Chemistry at least) but I chose not to pursue it.

13. My college days were full of zits, failing marks, boy-crazy moments and yes, a lot of classes that I didn't attend because I chose to watch a movie instead. I would come to class unprepared more often than not and that's when I learned that I had the talent to cram stuff into my head a few minutes before the exam, but just enough to pass the exam and not to excel. I used to have a study buddy and we'd go to Starbucks every time to review. The problem was I didn't really pay attention and I was always distracted with the people.

14. Following fact no. 14, I don't look at people because I find them interesting or cute, especially when I people-watch with friends. It's because I'm secretly trying to read their minds.

15. Following fact no. 15, because can't read minds, I read gestures instead. Hehe...

16. I think the best job ever exists in an alternate universe. While people still consider me to be young, (wow,in some tribes, yes...), I've had a total of 10 jobs in 5 companies (promotions included). I think I get bored and restless easily. I don't like doing the same thing over and over again. This fact makes me seem like the poster child for ADD but seriously, if it gets boring, you'll see me put myself less and less out there.

17. I am a big fan of spy drama and action flicks. I know, it makes me sound like a total tomboy but I don't really like anything that would make me cry (think Million Dollar Baby, A Walk to Remember and Blood Diamond which I attempted to watch and stopped midway...I got bored...)

18. I am a non-practicing Chinese. People usually assume that I come from a strict Chinese background because of the unchanged and non-Westernized last name. Truth be told, I wouldn't know when the hell the lunar year starts and what kind of animal supposedly owns the year in the Chinese zodiac. The most Chinese thing I can do is carry a conversation with someone and pick out Yang Chow fried rice in either North Park or Hap Chang.

19. I maintain only one type of hairdo... The layered shoulder-length and slightly colored hair do you see on me is inspired by Jen Aniston's famous hairdo from Friends. Thank goodness it's still alright nowadays because I don't think I'd look good with short hair, or curly hair or with a goddess cut.

20. I believe that life is better with no preferences but I do insist in having my way over a lot of things.

21. The best advice I got was from a silly mug that I got from a white elephant gift exchange. It said "Own your destiny". Nice and deep but it was written in gold metallic glue over a black mug...

22. The one thing that attracted me most to Jeoff is his sense of humor. A friend once said that with the way I worked and at the rate I was going, I needed someone who would laugh AT me. I think I found him. Haha!

23. I don't think it's considered cheating when I think about Dean Cain every now and then or when I go out of my way to watch a movie on HBO or Hallmark that has him on it. I had the biggest crush on him back then when he was still in Lois and Clark with Teri Hatcher. I still kind of do, but I have a bigger crush on someone else. Hehe... =)

24. My real eye color will never be revealed. Haha! Seriously, people think that I wear colored contacts because I like to change the way I look. It's actually because I've ripped, lost and misplaced clear contact lenses while cleaning them. The darker the color of the lenses, the better I see them.

25. I am a big fan of vegging out. I work like crazy for 5 days a week, I deserve to veg out on a Sunday or a Saturday, not worry about food, or bills or emails to be answered. I just prop my feet up and watch countless hours of TV - from HBO to the Cartoon Channel until the wee hours of the morning.

God Save the Queen

This song was written by the Sex Pistols in the advent of anarchy in the UK. How apt. I found something that truly mirrors what I feel.

Been a while since I last updated my blog and it's ridiculous that I'll be writing about my queen. My boss, the SDM from hell.

Alright, so it all started when she was hired. Everything seems quite fine until the time that she took over completely from Brit Boy (see previous posts).

1. She asks for tons of reports that she fails to check or even review.
The funny thing about being her subordinate is I get to manage three sites while she only manages one - she manages it badly. I ain't saying I'm great and all. Nonetheless, I am unbelievably appalled by her lack of coordination and motivation when it comes to dealing with her employees. It's derogatory to everyone involved. She asked me for several reports which she fails to even view! Now she's about to make my performance appraisal. I shudder to think about what that performance appraisal will be like given that she doesn't understand shit about what I do. I made several templates for a campaign we have in Budapest that she failed to even look at. It's ridiculous! How can someone who choose to ignore what I do understand what I need and how freakin' hard my job is?! And she has the audacity to tell me she'll be doing my performance appraisal?! Oh Brit Boy will hear a lot from me come March.
2. She fails to inform me of basic issues that needs to be addressed during training or issues that need to be addressed by me.
It is almost impossible for me to fathom what kind of mind she has. I don't know if she mainly assumes that I know, or if she assumes that I can read her mind, or if she just chooses not to tell me.
First, she fails to inform me that this QA analyst will be part of an off-site Six Sigma training. It was the accountant who told me that I should coordinate with that training firm to have that QA Analyst join us. It's good that I had spoken with their sales person before and they understood the immediate changes that ad to take place. I still got the discount we first spoke about.
Another instance from my brilliant SDM is failing to tell me that one of our developed tools has an error - a bug if you will, and this causes some of our customers to be unable to access or log some of their requests. This should be addressed during training. We don't have set procedures for that particular bug but I seriously think that we should contact our developers and ask for a list of bugs in that particular development and maybe a workaround, that way our analysts aren't lost AND confused as to what to do. She came up with a comment like "Eh kasi usually busy sila..." Yeah, sure they're fucking busy but you're the goddamned SDM! For crying out loud. sometimes, this woman is unbearable!

3. There is no justice in my company.
So there's this German bi-lingual agent who has been wreaking havoc on the operations floor. Since I'm not from operations, I choose not to even meddle but how is it that this Nazi (Disclaimer: I'm sorry, I know that is incredibly racist to say, but he is an amazingly horrible person. People in the office call him bakulaw, gerbak [short for German Bakulaw], ass wipe and asshole - ALL while he is within an earshot, so if you can imagine how someone like that can be treated as such, then you must then understand that when I call him Nazi, I am in fact being nice and not being racist. The original Nazi was Austrian. He never was German...). He complains about every little policy in the handbook. Ok, supposedly that's great right? People who challenge the policy shouldn't be treated as such, and they could have great insight. This old man - he looks like Santa Claus without the beard - has checked himself to Medical City and refuses to pay for it saying that the HR department is responsible for paying for his extra charges - as in those not covered by our HMO! So the HR Manager was obviously pissed. He complained about the dress code, and wanted to impose an English-Only-Policy (EOP) on the floor. He reprimands everyone loudly and audibly so the entire floor can hear, such as a ticket that he feels was incorrectly done, or grammar being a bit off. He castigates people from a different department regarding break schedules, not doing anything and whatnot. The worst part is while Brit Boy is in Budapest, Nazi emailed him and complained about Philippine management. Supposedly, there is a lack of structure. I kinda agree. I mean with that kind of SDM at the helm. The problem is the SDM didn't even sanction that asshole. She followed the guy's every damned complaint! She suddenly instituted a policy where analysts are supposed to wear corporate clothing, leather shoes and all... no surfing, EOP or else, no eating on the floor. We're turning into Telus! The people are angry!!! They are pissed and they want to leave.
Quite honestly, since I've trained most of the analysts we have - I know that the reason they liked the company is because they are sick and tired of being in a call center. They liked being treated like actual helpdesk analysts because they are! Now, they're going to be treated like second-rate customer service agents without any regard to what they do as analysts simply because one ass wipe chose to speak ill of the analysts here? One dude has so much power?
The SDM is giving him so much power. The idiot SDM is giving him so much power and that smug overrated Nazi is now more powerful than ever through corporate blackmail.
Can you tell me if there's actual justice in this company? She's afraid of an entry-level bi-lingual analyst. Tsk tsk... I know it;s bad to wish that Nazi drops dead but seriously, I wish he does. He's old and smokes a lot with a Pinay wife who looks like she was raised in a girly bar, plus the fact that he chats with a lot of chimays on YM (cos YM isn't considered surfing). I hope he sleeps with one of those and he gets herpes, fast!
Also, there's this bitch, she's part of quality yet she sounds like the SDM.
Kindly peruse the emails below (Yes that's how she emails us...)
Email 1


Email 2
Email 3

Well, there's a tone of authority in her emails. Also, honestly who talks like that? Am I supposed to coach agents to the tune of a ragtime classic? Maybe I'm just being bitchy. But wow, this woman threw a fit last Friday cos she was moved to the back end of the office. Way far from the operations people and also way far from the people she likes hanging out with. In short, if she isn't the center of attention, she gets pissed off. She kept complaining about the security of what she does. Supposedly, it's confidential. As if! When was a QA analyst ever an issue in this company? It's like they don't even care about the QA!
She chose some dude over Yogi when obviously, Yogi is the better candidate to be a QA analyst. My theory? She wants to overpower the new dude and also, in case the new dude fucks up, she's indispensable again. She is actually the SDM's favorite direct report. Why you ask? Cos she's a brown-noser. She is now to attend Six Sigma Training with me. As if it matters to her? The reason? Supposedly Brit Boy insisted, according to Liar Liar SDM. She's about to transition to the Budapest team. The problem? I was the one who created their templates. Not her. What's the point of having her take Six Sigma when their scorecard is already done and they aren't changing it any time soon? At least Aileen from HR and Lucy from the UK knows all the sacrifice I made for that campaign. I hope the credit doesn't go to that bitch cos if it does, I swear...

So can you honestly tell me if I should still work for this company?
Had Brit Boy been my boss, it would have been easier. But now, the SDM, the Nazi and the bitch have joined forces. Tsk tsk, it's the end of an era. They have become the terrible trio. I hope some company would offer them a job so they can go away!

End quote for today... Something that came from a friend through an SMS.

Ganun talaga in the corporate world, if your boss is an idiot, you can expect co-workers to act like idiots too.

Motivation is not an easy thing...

Take Me Away

Take Me Away - Lifehouse

I totally feel this way...

So in love and so happy. When I arrived in the office, there was a box of roses waiting for me in my cubicle. Oh wow, I must sound so incredibly mushy today because for some reason, I can't stop smiling.

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
this time you burn me with your eyes
you see past all the lies
you take it all away
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

I try to make my way to you
but still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
I've seen it all
and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

don't give up on me yet
don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
but don't let
me stay here alone

this time what I want is you
there is no one else
who can take your place
I've seen enough and it's never enough
it keeps leaving me needing you

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

take me away
take me away
I've got nothing left to say
just take me away

That Franklin Hat

I can't believe that this overpriced hat is going to the Smithsonian! I mean, come on! Was it that big of a deal that she sang something in the Obama Inauguration and for some reason, was wearing a gray wool hat with an amazingly huge bow?

It was a big fashion risk but not really something that should land in the history books. Oh well... Next up, Obama's napkin in the Inaugural Ball...

Because I Need to Laugh

The opening song of Tokyo Pig who seems to look a lot like me. I love this cartoon!

This is one of their cute episodes on YouTube...

Sadness

For some reason, I can't quite convince myself to keep still. I'm jumpy, I'm weird and I have a mood swing problem the size of a dilapidated building in 5th avenue.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm picking fights with Jeoff when there is no reason to. He insists that we keep pictures of us kissing in private. I deleted a whole album in serious disappointment. I wanted to delete every little picture of us. I seriously wanted to shoot him. Tsk tsk... I kept ranting about what the heck he's hiding and who he's hiding it from. I am in fact overreacting. I am unbelievably angry. I guess I do feel deprived... And I seriously don't want to analyze it.

If you have an answer for me, go ahead and try to explain it to me cos I sure as hell can't figure it out. I love the guy but sometimes, he makes me so angry. And yet I do wanna see him... I am so frigging weird! This hormone thing, so sucks. I hate being a girl. I hate being a girl with a PMS issue. It's borne of being away from cola and chocolates for such a long time. And keeping away from carbs! Yeah, it's that, and only that.

What sucks more is that I am always sleep-deprived. I can't get to sleep and I can't sleep well. And not to mention the fact that Nickelodeon only shows the Nick Jr. line in the wee hours of the morning. What kind of a toddler is awake at 3AM? Can someone please tell me?! I am so confused...!

There's more to this than meets the eye I know. It must be the thousands of hours of pure commercial commute.

I am angry... no I'm not, just irritated, vexed and pissed - incredibly miffed. Oh what the heck...!

I guess what I'm saying is I'm depressed. I am getting incredibly lonely. I know I should never admit to being lonely and it sucks because right now, I am admitting to it. I feel alone. My friends are mostly married, one of them isn't but has a boyfriend she'd rather spend time with. Some other friends are incredibly toxic (yes, people...some friends can be considered toxic, you know, people who suck life out of you cos they can't suck the life out of someone else or from a bottle of alcohol). Some of my other friends are hard to contact. I have always liked myself - being alone - being in the center of something special or monumental, but now, for the first time, I find myself incredibly alone.

Jeoff is a million miles away, and no matter what he says, no matter how he claims that he's with me, he's just physically not with me. The loneliness is creepy... it's so dark and morbid. I'm not withdrawn or anything... just incredibly sad. People deal with this - and I dealt with this before. I don't understand what the hell changed between now and then that this has come to be so hard.

Maybe, it was meant to test my character.

As if I haven't been tested enough...

As of this writing, I am sleep-deprived, cigarette-free for hours now and listening to something incredibly gay (Clay Aiken)... Yes, I am being tested.

I Owe Starter Mom

I owe Starter Mom a tag. Sorry dear, it's not the tag, I was just stuck in a rut - work was becoming overwhelming... But thanks to a cold and a really bad voice, I got to stay at home today!

The Butterfly Award for the coolest blogs I know. I'm supposed to tag ten blogs and it's amazing that I was even tagged for this.

Starter Mom
This is one amazingly funny blog of a new mom and wife. It is a strikingly candid account of ideas on raising children, being a wife, praises for the hubby and work woes. A must-read for every mom-to-be or a starting wife.

Wandering Scribe
Thanks to a subscription to RD Asia, I am now a fairly avid reader of Anya, the Wandering Scribe. It tells of a story of a woman who after being separated from her husband, had to live in her car for days on end and realized that support was just a click away. It's a riveting story of how people triumph despite all odds.

Fish in a Bowl
A funny and eclectic play on words from Sir Chris from iTi. The blog boasts of word play, poetic proses and a fun take on today' world as well as his imagined life and his dreams. In times when you know you need an intellectual breather, you need this blog.

Pilipinas Kong Mahal
It's a neo-conservative take on the country's issues. While politics isn't my cup of tea, and I will probably never run as a senator, this blog has come to be a good mirror of the current legislations that should be noted by Pinoys worldwide. Several good points in the articles have come up such as appointing judiciary officers. It a good read!

Cazzapoeia
It's a tale of a woman who loves food, her family, her life and her friends. It's a funny and anecdotal viewpoint of a woman in her twenties about everything - Christmas trees in lobbies, presents, facials, shampoos, raising her daughter and being a good wife. It's a free manual for all twenty-something woman who just got married and is deciding on a lot of things - how to raise children, what recipe to cook and what facialist to go to.

The Chona Chronicles
Created by a dude I used to work with, this amazing blog boasts of the story of Chona, a maid in the confines of her boss' Valle Verde estate. It chronicles her first trip to a sosyal salon, her birthday, her tryst with her Ma'am Tess and her love affair with the boy - all in halting and derided English.

Cofibean
One of the funniest and weirdest blogs I've ever seen. This was a blog I stumbled upon and I fell off my chair laughing. It's a blog from a dude who thinks that most call center employees are orcs and that money is just another word for tissue paper. Either way, it's written in the funniest conotic language ever! So enjoy!

Honestly, I am out of blogs. I'd put in a few but I don't know if they're public blogs so I'd really rather not. There's my list. Hope this goes on and gets tagged further.

The Corporate Landfill

It rips right through me,
How you lie right to me,
Betrayal, Betrayal,
Will this world make better sense?
Once you mean nothing to me...

This is not about my personal life. It's actually quite the contrary. It's about the corporate landfill I call my job. I just realized that some people would lie and manipulate and connive their way so they can emerge victorious. Take for instance this one analyst that we work with who has insistently lied and cheated just to get one step ahead of the people in the office. It's so sad and so demeaning. It is as if the corporate set-up that I've dreamed of has gone to pieces.

All I can say is that somehow, the law of karmic consequences will not allow this person to go unpunished.

Wedding Stuff

It's 3:41 am, I just chose not to sleep tonight. I've been trying to visualize what I want in my wedding. I'm still coming up blank. It's funny... Back then, I never really thought he would actually propose and tell my folks.

So, yes... apart from the workload in the office, I also had to worry about the wedding I will be having. I have chosen to forsake all the games I play on Facebook and also this blog. I am just giving myself a breather because I didn't take any work home this weekend. I just chose to sit back, relax and completely veg out.

So here I am checking out wedding websites. I just know for a fact that I want something very simple. It should elegant, but simple. I think something should always dazzle people, like a chocolate fondue for dessert, or a huge cake with molten chocolate inside, no matter how much I don't like chocolate. I think that a nice simple dress would do, with not much trimmings. If I was to sum up what I wanted, I want a no fuss, non-ostentatious and non-flamboyant wedding. I want the money we will save to be for starting our lives together. Oh goodness, I still haven't even decided on a motif. Or a color scheme. I guess I'm still in awe that we're really going to do that. Don't get me wrong, I love the fact that we're getting married. I just thought that I would have more people telling me what to do than me deciding. And I didn't realize that I was this analytical. I keep thinking about the motif, and if it reflects both me and him. I was thinking of powder blue and wheat (think Facebook blue and Johnny Bravo blonde) the whole day and if they'd work. But it's great that Jeoff and I talked last night and he showed me this site where we can work with color combinations.

This is what I was considering the whole day...

It seems like a no fuss and very simple and elegant color scheme.

That other one also caught our eye. It represents our favorite pastime - having coffee. But it does seem dark and gloomy. And I'm pretty sure people in the Philippines wouldn't dream of having brown as a wedding motif. I once saw this episode in Married Away where they had a Black and White wedding. It was beautiful. I have always wanted something like that, but since I want to get married in a church, I might as well throw that concept away.

I know I'm just rambling and this hardly seems like a good thread of ideas for now. I am just scared that my wedding, the most important day of my life with husband-to-be, would be a complete disaster if I don't make the right decisions. When I was younger and older friends were fussing about their wedding plans, I would roll my eyes and say "how hard could it be to plan a wedding?". I think this is my major karma. Now, I'm going to be alone and I have to plan it from scratch. I only wish that Jeoff is here. I mean, I know he's a guy and all, and will probably not go through with every nitty gritty stuff with me, but it would help to have that kind of support. Nevertheless, I'll be sure to walk through the details with him. He shouldn't be shocked with a crazy theme wedding. Or should he? Haha!

I think it's my time to rest. My back is frankly killing me. I am just training for work this Monday, which means I have plenty of time to go through some of my thoughts. When I get home from work this Monday, I promise to relax and then go through a bundle of bridal magazines which I will have to purchase tomorrow.

This be it for the tired (and hopefully quickly losing weight) me... I promise to come up with more intellectual musings in the future. Haha!

Girl Meets Reality

A funny clip from Will and Grace reminded me of this song. Grace's husband Leo leaves New York for business. It's pretty amusing because she pops on her video recorder and sings a song for her hubby. Comically speaking, it's one pretty funny idea.

I can't really imagine singing a song on a video. I have done it once. And I sent it to him. I doubt that I'll have enough gumption and courage to actually post it online. Nonetheless, I'm talking about this because he's about to leave again.

Earlier, whilst waiting for a cab, I can't help but be a little misty-eyed. Why does a great day have to end? I know that I have been "hogging" him the whole time, nonetheless, I wish that he will actually stay longer. I sincerely wish that the remaining week of his visit will run incredibly slowly. If I wait for him to come back, it would be 2010.

I know this seems like word vomit, but I am feeling mixed about this. I wish he can stay and I know that he has to go. I know he has to work and take care of his business there and all I wish for is for him to be in my arms. Everyday that he was away, what kept me alive and waiting was the idea that he will be back and will be in my arms again. It seems like everyday is a battle to stay sane from missing him and from so much loneliness. When he left last time, I cried for a whole week. No one knew. I didn't want people to find out that I was that affected. Now, I vowed that I will never cry. I will not cry. I will be stronger and better and will draw from my memory everything that we did together - the trips to the mall, the making-out, the movies we've watched, the food we've shared (guess what, I think we're at that level where we can pick out food from each others' plate), and the laughter that really makes me feel that the intimacy we share is real. Laughing with each other and at each other is incredibly wonderful. I just wish it can go on like this forever.

Zen

It has been quite a whirlwind. I have to admit, I love being away from work and from the office. I love the ability to NOT check my inbox just because it's needed. I love the fact that people in the office also respect my need for some time alone and some time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

I have come to realize that last year was placed in a pedestal for me. It's been one heck of a beautiful year. Being with my family, my friends, the man of my dreams, my kick-ass job and along the way... making mistakes, learning promptly what I was doing wrong and correcting things, one by one...

I have also been following a little bit of "The Secret". It's this nice school of thought that says you have to phrase things positively in order to push the laws of the universe to work for you.

So here are my positive thoughts for the year:

• I love my family... These are the people I will die for and will kill for. I am blessed to have such wonderful parents and wonderful loved-ones.
• I am a strong and intelligent person. I am capable of doing things that are beyond other people's abilities.
• I am a great trainer, a great people-person and a great employee. I am someone that people relate to and are able to respect and love.
• I am a good person and I will channel my energy to reflect the good in this universe to the people who need it.
• I am someone who doesn't need anyone to fulfill my dreams. I can work on it on my own.
• I am loving and understanding. I deserve someone equally loving and understanding as I am.
• I am forgiving. I will always see things from the other person's point of view before I start pointing fingers.
• I am true and real. I am capable of negotiating within the bounds of my reality instead of manipulating things to my advantage.

This year, my mantra is to be pure and true, with lots of zen moments in between.

I want to rediscover art, and beauty through my eyes. I want to see what else I can bring to the table. I want to challenge myself, and fight for the future more as a ready, willing and able person. I want to consistently perform at par with people whom I care for and people that I respect as individuals.

Mad Sense

How is it possible to want someone more and more everyday?
It seems awfully maddening to be away from him even for just one day. Maybe it's because distance really screws up your entire system for judgment and even a sense of propriety. I seriously want more and more and more and more of him. I want to be with him - to laugh with, to cry with, to go to the mall with, to have dinner with... I honestly wish I can be with this man for the rest of my life.

The "Salamat" List

This year has been a great succession of pain, suffering, mental anguish and on the flipside, joy, success, happiness and love, yes, love... Not just for my man, but for a lot of people who have touched my life in one way or another.

One of those people is Indie and she's the one who tagged me.

The things I am grateful for...
1. Family. They are important to me...

• My mom and dad who has given me guidance and carried me and my burdens throughout. They gave me the foundation I have now, and I am glad that while I wasn't able to choose my parents, they are fabulous ones.
• My brother who despite being such an extremely radical emo kid, can be fun to hang with. I know we have our differences but I am ultimately your sister and thus, love has to be part of that equation.
• Jeoff whom I consider family already. I feel at home with him and I think I need no elaboration when I say that things I feel are beyond logic or reason. I am just grateful to have him in my life.
• Tito Doy and Tita Baby who are just wonderful people and have raised an amazing son. I know I should never presume that they will be family but then I sincerely believe that a person's family is an extension of who they are. Because I love their son, that automatically makes me love them.

2. Friends. Pardon the listing of all the people I have in my life, but it makes sense that I do this...

• Irish and Pao, who got married just this year who showed me that love does conquer all, even the idea of strangers meeting on a commuter bus. Irish has been a sister to me - she held my hand and prayed for me even though we know that we don't know how to pray anymore through the darkest and most horrifying moments of my life.
• Cym and Rix, who decided to have a baby and are doing so wonderfully as parents and as hubby and wife.
• Chloe who shares my single yet unavailable but unmarried girl-woes and shops with me although she totally hates my stodgy corporate style.
• Jack and Winch who have somewhat astounded me with the changes they have undergone over the years. Excellent job, boys! I hope the next change would be a bunch of ladies trailing after you. Haha!
• Indie who has remained a grounding and humbling factor in my life and is my source of wisdom. It's amazing to find people who are comfortable with who you are and what you believe in without judging you.
• Glenna who despite leaving for New Zealand has influenced me as a person, a professional and as a significant other.
• Myles who somewhat reminds me that people are always going to need people, no matter what happens. She also reminds me to be prepared for anything - and everything.
  
• Aileen and Arnel - my new "couple friend" who have taught me that marriage isn't happily ever after but is something that takes work and takes patience. They inspire me to be more practical and sensible in dealing with love.
  
• My new work friends... Yong who despite being the ultimate PC geek is also one heck of a great friend. I'm learning how to be more assertive because of him. Yogi is one of my most special friends ever. I am starting to love the idea of Will and Grace because of him. Thanks for the tips, sweetie! I luuuurve them! Ela who is sort of in the same boat as I am - she has to weather all the bad and the good and the ugly of being in a long-distance relationship, and I am just here sweetie. Rye who is great to hang with... I hope you stick to Ria and all the best to the two of you. Finally, Sheila, who is the living proof that married life isn't that amazing but it doesn't mean you can't have fun with it. It's good for me to see th different facets of how life is.
  
• Shaui whom I love and respect as a woman and as a fellow lover. While I don't see you much, you know I love you and I understand how everything works now. You're right. I ought to love myself first before anything else.
  
• Vicki whom I never really talked with in ITI, and yet is someone I totally miss as a friend. I know how amazing you are and honestly, I am blessed to see the evolution you went through. You are now a mom and a wonderful one at that.
• Tin whom I miss so much. I miss the moments where we can be ourselves and completely let ourselves go. I miss being able to drink Coke and finish one whole chicken and Sky Flakes with you! Or, the ability to eat 1 kilo of baked tahong! Gawd! I miss our food trips!
  

3. My job as Training and Development Coordinator for Merlin. Alright, I had to state the entire position. I am still as giddy as a little kid in becoming their coordinator. I said it! I am proud of my accomplishments. I am happy that I am one of the two practicing SDI-certified trainers in the entire Philippines. (The other one works for a consulting company and doesn't practice much and will have to go through my approval.) I am thoroughly amazed at what I was able to finish and present in 9 months' time. I am now technically coordinating for three sites - Manila, UK and Budapest and I participate greatly in recruitment in all three sites. I am grateful that I was given an opportunity and I was given that much return. I thank Matt and Charles for that chance. I am also grateful that I had that stint with ITI. Despite what people say, I learned so much about myself in ITI. It was an amazing experience to grasp people who are millions of miles away, and the ability to interact with people - something not normally given to me because I am not a talker - has propelled me to think about what would make me happy and what satiate my needs as a professional.

Huh, such a long list! But wait, there's actually more...

4. I am grateful for good health throughout the year. Yes, I get sick every now and then, but I didn't really had to go through any health scare. I learned I had asthma this year though. Pretty tough for a smoker but it gave me more push to at least cut back on the smoking.
5. My flexible schedule which allows me to be late most of the time without getting a memo or a pay cut.
6. Sun Cellular's 50 cents per minute IDD program. It technically started two years ago, but wow, because of the recession and the dollar rate plunging, I am actually paying less!
7. BLUE Cerium that has never failed me yet
8. CD-R King's cheapo Class A PC and iPod accessories.
9. My jurassic Nokia phone not giving up on me despite being dropped, whacked and squeezed so much.
10. Nivea's Silhouette Cream. Haha, 'nuff said.
11. Starbucks' Hungarian Sausage, Egg and Cheese on Ciabatta and Iced Caffe Latte. For some reason, and Jeoff knows this, I tend to never tire of something that I eat. I can actually eat something for a whole year and never get tired of it. Yes, weird I know...
12. My new-found ability to relax by watching TV - hours and hours of it will actually put me to sleep instead of keeping me up.
13. My recent never-ending quest for Zen moments in and out of the office. Ergo, being able to enjoy my bath, my cup of coffee in the early afternoon and my ability to stay in the office pantry to relax and have a chitchat with people to unwind.
14. Being paid quite well for a job that I really want to be doing, and having such an edge in the company.
15. Not necessarily being religious but being able to pray again, thanks to Irish.
16. The ability to afford a lot of the things I have never been able to afford before. A digicam, a nice new corporate wardrobe, a lot of flat shoes which I love, a bunch of face creams which I am obsessed with.
17. The ability to read novels again. Yes I am busy at work, but I think I have finally striked gold because I am able to balance work and life.
18. A great birthday with my family and friends. Jeoff celebrating his 30th year with his family as well.
19. Being with the man I love for almost 3 years now - or 4... Haha, we stopped counting.
20. An amazing and wonderful year over all...


Things I learned about life and myself...
1. I am capable of standing up and brushing myself off after mistakes I have made, whether critical or otherwise.
2. People can be pretty brutal. Sometimes, it's ingrained in their system. Sometimes, all you can do to protect yourself from these people is to avoid them completely.
3. Romance is nothing. Reality is everything.
4. Sense of humor is necessary. I need someone who can laugh at me when I overthink things.
5. Self-mockery isn't my defense mechanism. I like self-mockery because I like to make fun of people without offending anyone. Thus I make fun of myself. I think my defense mechanism is crawling under a rock.
6. I absolutely abhor people with a sense of entitlement over everything.
7. There are always options. (First principle of Buddhism, rephrased to my style... It actually reads "Violence is not an option".)
8. Make your accomplishments seem effortless. (From "48 Laws of Power", which I totally hate, but made sense to a point.)
9. Love is supposed to be a many splendored thing, but it takes a lot of hard work. I've said it before, and I will say it again.
10. I hate traffic and evil Meg rears her ugly head when she is stuck in traffic.
11. I can't tolerate someone who is incredibly negative and pessimistic. In short, should I get stuck with Daria, the Misery Chick, in an elevator, I would probably kill her, or maim her.
12. I love watching suspense drama.
13. I will never be able to shake off the insecurities I have. I always wish I was smarter, nicer, more beautiful, sexier and even more approachable. But then, everyone has insecurities. You either take it with a grain of salt or gouge your eyes out because you can't have it all. I choose the former.
14. Act. Don't react. (From "Xena, Warrior Princess".)
15. Loving myself was the most rewarding love of all. I used to think that I gave something my all, it would be a smart investment. Sadly, it was one of the worst business ventures I have had. It's great when you have a little savings account stashed away for a rainy day. (This, I totally got from Jeoff.)
16. It's okay to be happy. (If you were raised Catholic or an Orthodox Baptist, you'd catch my drift. Supposedly it's bad to feel sublime happiness. I don't really know why.)
17. I can be pretty artsy.
18. While I am mushy, I suck at explaining what I feel.
19. A zit bothers me. A cat prowling around the tin roof of my house bothers me. A group of people who enter before I even exit the lift are simply people who need to be bothered by their lack of elevator manners.

Finally...

20. Life is one huge gamble. You can win, lose or draw but you don't get judged based on the money on the table. It's the way you played the game...

The Way He Loves Me

It's pretty baffling how one man can change the way you look at things, how one man can change the perspective you have in this lifetime. I know I probably sound like a schoolgirl gushing about her crush on this guy but dear God, I don't what I ever did in this lifetime to find someone so amazing and so wonderful. He makes me laugh and think and appreciate the things I have in this life. He sits down with me and I am calm in the midst of Makati traffic. I am humbled by this feeling and I can't imagine how and why I ever mistook this for something that won't work. I can feel his love and it radiates all over.

Again, I don't mean to sound incredibly mushy about how I feel. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about it. It's 2:30 in the morning, I just finished a lovely dinner with him some hours ago, and still, I can't stop thinking about how beautiful everything was and still is. And I honestly can't wait until I get to spend some time with him again.

I am not going to lie, I think a little part of me is scared as hell because he will leave for Canada again. I'm scared because I don't how to go back to not seeing him again for another year. I seriously wish I can make him stay or that I can go with him.

Still, it doesn't matter for now. I want to live with what is, not what will be or what was. I love everything and I can't thank God enough for sending me such a wonderful and amazing man. I am blessed to have him.

Unexaggerate the Hyperbole

There is an oxymoron right there.

I can't believe I'm blogging at home. And at 6 in the morning. I just can't shake the feeling that I have something to say and I'm dying to tell the world, well at least the few people who actually read my blog. LOL!

Jeoff picked me up from work today. Seeing him and touching him after a whole year, 9 months. 3 weeks and 5 days almost made me cry, except that this time around, it felt like he never really left. We were joking around and laughing and just merely talking for an hour or so over a cup of coffee. I can't believe how amazing it is to see someone you love whom you haven't seen for so long. The feeling was amazing. I'm in absolute ecstasy.

I can't believe how tall he is. I wore flats to work today and my neck hurts like crazy from craning to the side so I can lean on him. He smells so good and he felt so amazing to lean on and to embrace. It felt better when I kissed him. I felt home. Like I was ok again after almost two years of being apart... I was ok again after all the stress and trauma of everyday life. Travelling to Makati after our Metrowalk coffee was pretty amazing too. Despite being stuck in traffic, it was ust one of the most touching times ever. He would lean over and kiss me and I would be just holding his hand. Ergo the slightly aching shoulders. I am indeed getting old and yet, I am as giddy as a schoolgirl gushing about her crush.

We decided to go our separate ways for today. He will watch a movie with his cousin and I need a massage - badly. I also need to work on 10,000 slides or so for that training session in January which I will not be conducting, woohoo!

I ditched Matt's farewell party so I can be with the man I love. It's well worth it.

So here I am, sore and tired from today's work. Yet I feel like I'm glowing. I don't even know what the heck it is that I feel but it feels like I'm bubbling from something and I don't really know what it is. Happiness? Maybe. I think happiness isn't this crazy. LOL!