I'm sure you're wondering about the title. Nope, it's not my last post to this blog. For sure it will be hard to find me again. And for sure it will be harder this time, especially if I am really to avoid anything and everything that needs to be avoided.
I have been hiding in my friends. Hiding and basking in their show of eternal love and sunshine that for a while, I forgot my problems. I forgot my pain and the anguish of being left in mid-air with nothing to hold on to. No self-esteem, no love, no man, no me. All that was left was an empty shell, crying out and begging for some weird light to take me and release me from all the pain.
I woke up today to a beautiful afternoon (Give it a rest, I work the night shift!) and found out that I wasn't what I thought I was. I wasn't okay. All over again, the tears started flowing. What I have kept for a long time... Rage, anger, frustration, hurt. It seemed so trivial the other day and all of a sudden, the journey to be okay settled to dust. I still do love him.
I cried myself to sleep again. I was told once before that I had every right to get mad, to hate, to even want to kill the man that has hurt me. I wanted to call him. I wanted to tell him to go to hell. I wanted him to say he was sorry and mean it. I wanted to hurt him back so badly. I wanted him to understand what kind if hell I am going through. I wanted him to see that I loved him for all he is and was and will ever be, and all he needed to see was me. Where were his promises of forever? Of a life together? Of having a Josh and a Michaela? Of living in his home and cuddling by the fire and sharing a pizza slice and finding each other through this all? What happened to the passion we once shared? What happened to the tomorrows that never came? What ever happened to him? I started dialing his number. I so wanted to throw it all in his face. When he asked me back, when he hurt me before, when I went through so much confusion and hell just to regain an ounce of self-respect, only for him to destroy it again and to destroy me again. He had no right to kill my hopes and my dreams with something as simple as "I don't love you anymore". He had no right over me! He had no right to hurt me so much and walk away without any dents or scars where I am forever maimed. He chose not to love me. He chose not to see me. He chose to throw me away after he has used me and has hurt me and has abused every little iota of my soul. How dare he walk away from me? How dare he even rub it in that I am not the same person anymore?! I wasn't weak. I was stronger than he could ever be because at a time where no one could love him, I did. At a time where I was shown no love at all, I stayed by his side. At the worst of times, when I felt like giving up, I stood by him. I loved him. I loved him with no conditions, no barriers, no distinctions. And if I asked for some attention and some love, it was because I felt llike I earned it. I deserved it.
I was about to click on the call button when somebody called me. I rejected it. And I started crying. I started weeping so badly that my heart hurt, that my body trembled and I couldn't stop... My chest felt heavy and filled with rage. I heard a voice so far away. Yet, I know it was God telling me to stop.
I sat down on my bed wondering what the hell I was about to do. Then I realized... I couldn't do it. If I hear his voice, all I would hear was the man I love. And then I realized further on, I may never get to speak with him again. He has his own life now. He may not even remember my name. He may not even know me anymore. Then I started crying even more.
He meant and still means the world to me.
I have lost all hope of ever speaking to this man again. He will probably never want to hear from me either. I will not call him. I will not do anything. I will sit quietly. I will mourn. I will get mad but I will never be hurtful. I will stop and consider what I had done and what has happened. He has his reasons to not love me. He had his reasons to love me too, I hope. But how do you face your life and yor reality knowing that the one thing you thought to be true was not true at all? That you're not loved. That you're not admired? That the man you dedicated your heart to does not even recognize that love? What am I to do in this life? Am I supposed to wait 10,000 lifetimes for him? Beg him to come back? Or do I find another man to love? The man that was meant for me? The man that supposedly can and will make me happy?
Whatever happens in the future will not change what happened today.
And if I could hit rewind, I would. To stop me from feeling this, damned it, I would have. To stop me from finding out the hard way that people do fall out of love, I would have. To stop me from assuming that life was fair and people were good, I would have.
But I couldn't.
But neither can I go fast forward.
So I just play. Play until I lose the sense of hitting rewind and hitting fast forward. I will just play. I will let the feelings come. I won't stop them. I will let the pain remain for as long as it needs to. I will lose myself in the emotions. I will not remove them from me.
No comments:
Post a Comment