so hard

i know you're reading this.
i know you're wondering what's going on.
i know you want to know what i am thinking about.

i thank you for loving me.
having loved me means the world to me.

but now, more than anything...
i am still asking why.
i wish there was someway i could bring back the past
and make you fall for me again
i wish i'd stop hurting
stop yearning
for love from you

you say i'm human
i don't know...
you say there's no chance
and i respect that

but deep inside
i mourn for my loss
my chance at greatness
my chance at happiness
my chance of being with you

i didn't even know i screwed up

i hadn't even begun to feel
and already, i was lost

i feel like such a failure
losing you
i feel like such a fool
believing that there is a future
i feel so pathetic
praying to god for one more chance

for now...
i'm trying to live my life
one day at a time
to hell with sleep
to hell with eating
if hunger comes, i eat
if sleepiness comes, i sleep
but i never force myself to do anything
except not think of you
except not relive moments in my life that i spent with you

i can't believe it's over
i can't believe you're not there
i am at a loss without you

people tell me
i deserve better
that your love wasn't the love that i deserved
that your falling out of love with me is a sign that you never loved me at all
that your actions are not the actions of an honorable man
that i was abused and misused
that i was hurt and deliberately pained
only for the happiness of one man that is you

i say that is not true

i know that it isn't true

i know you're also sad

i know you're also grasping why you can't seem to want me anymore
i have one answer that can possibly put our minds to ease

we're just not meant for each other

and i'll never stop asking god why...