They say that 26 is supposed to be the prime of my life.Well here I am. Pushing that little tumbleweed to the corners of my mind, wondering if there will be a way to reconcile what I'm feeling and what I know.
I have been feeling incredibly stupid lately. Thanks to the idea that I'm supposed to be the training coordinator, I'm feeling like I need so much training that it should blow my mind. I've never been one to complain about training. Usually I get what the trainer means. But for some reason, Active Directory , Oracle and other Telco systems do not mesh well with the noodles in my brain. I have not been a very good pupil. I am not getting this. I'm not getting anything. I'm trying my very best, but man, is my brain fried or what?
So I'm also trying my very best to make my long distance relationship work. I'm a little worried because he's still not opening up. When I ask him about things, he seems still distracted and worried about something. I have absolutely no doubt that he loves and he's just sick of work, but I feel shut out of his life... completely and absolutely shut out of his life. Like I don't exist, and maybe it's better if I wasn't there, breathing down his neck about spending time with me and being with me. I'm thankful that I'm busy - with all this training crap. At least it gives me time to focus on my own crap. This is the problwm with me. I have to create drama in my own life so I don't create drama for him. Something incredibly pompous of me to do, because I need some direction, and some guidance in this relationship, and sadly, sometimes, I look towards the wrong people for advice.
The worst advice I've gotten so far? Get another job so you can focus on your own shit. See what happened?
There are a thousand things that I deserve right now. I'm only asking for three.
- Good health and safety for my family and loved-ones , yes this include friends and Jeoff .
- A very stable source of income
- The ability to accept things as they come and not get incredibly fumed about it.
Zen moments tend to save you from long arguments and from stupid conversations. The ability to drown out white noise from the background is an amazing ability, and when you hear something you don't want to hear, the ability to pretend that you didn't hear it is so much better. Maybe I'm not asking for Zen moments. Maybe, I'm asking for the ability to lose my hearing. Or worse, the ability to feel anything more than what I feel now. If I'm always overwhelmed, nothing would be able to cause me so much pain.
Well, I'm 26 years old. Maybe it's not the time of my life yet. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the world isn't ready for me. I don't know. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I know I want to be good and complete before I marry the man of my dreams, who chooses to lessen his words, but not his love. I want to be ready for the world and all it has to offer. I am ready to be beaten but I am not giving up without a fight. I swear, even if this is the last thing I do.
