Good Enough

The question I've longed to ask. Am I good enough to be loved the way I love him? Should it matter what he asks when all I know to say is "yes".

Maybe it's because I know I'll never understand how he captures me. I love him beyond anything. Somehow I know smart women never admit to loving something ultimately - beyond themselves. I've forgone being smart. Love has humbled me and continues to...

But the question remains. When will I be good enough for him?

No Air

That song is always stuck in my head... And just in case people can't relate to it, here's the video...

So for some reason, that's what's been happening to me. I've been literally robbed of my air. My airway has been pretty inflamed as of late. And apparently, I have asthma. Great. Of all the fun diseases I can have, I get the best one. I am now allergic to almost anything - dust, smoke, pollen, anything that could trigger it. It literally sucks. It literally sucks because all I want right now is a stick of my Marlboro lights. I sincerely do... :(

100%

Okay, I so should not be doing this, but what the heck... If I die of pneumonia, at least people will have something to remember me by. :)
This is the result sheet of my Service Desk Institute Exam. I got 100%. I'm pretty happy about this. I should be. Now, I can honestly tell my boss that I'm worth it.

Dante's Inferno

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Moderate
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

This isn't fair. I said I'd rather have sex than good food. I didn't mean it. I mean, you get to choose right? Oh well... So I'm lustful and gluttonous. This is not fair! Argh! Well, at least I get to spend eternity with Helen and Cleo. I can have people to talk with that are somehow smarter than Marilyn or Bridget (Monroe and Bardot, respectively...).

Sick Day

I think I have pneumonia. Tomorrow, when I go to the doctor, and find out that I don't have pneumonia, we will then confirm that I am a hypochondriac.
I think it's a blessing in disguise, actually. I've been having the itchy fingers as of late. I haven't had enough time to update and prettify my blog and here we are now. Somehow, I think it's been deafening being alone. Alone in my room, alone in the house... It sucks but I think I had a lot of fun coughing myself to sleep.
I got to watch a lot of fun movies. I had a CSI marathon early in the morning, when I woke up. After which, I got some sleep again. Come lunch time, I woke up and ate some fish. Awww, fish! I just love the way fish cooks in white sauce, with mushroom and cloud ears. You can't have enough of a good thing... Anyhow, onwards to more CSI. Waking up at around 9PM after a good sleep, I was able to watch "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry". Adam Sandler is just so hilarious. I almost lost my breath watching him and Kevin James go through married life.
I also got to watch Zohan and Meet Dave. I'm planning to watch "Blades of Glory" later when I get extremely bored. Thank goodness for fake DVDs. I know, it's shameful to admit that I buy these things, but hey, I think I get great entertainment value off of them.
I'm planning to go to the doctor tomorrow. Hope it will be good. I wish I don't have pleural effusion or something scary like that.

Quizzes Galore

The Chocolate Oracle says that I'm pretty big on attention. Somehow, I find that to be true. :)

What Your Taste in Chocolate Says About You

You are sweet, mellow, and easily satisfied. You don't like anything too intense and dramatic. Deep down, you're a kid at heart... and you're nostalgic for the past. You are honest and straight forward. You have a distinct personality, and you make your opinions known. And while people like that you keep it real, you can come off as judgmental. You love to be the center of attention. You enjoy entertaining your friends. You feel lost when no one is interested in you... You're too interesting to be ignored.

The Chocolate Oracle

I think it would be scary if I actually communicate like a man. I think it's just important to communicate.

You Communicate Like a Woman

You empathize, talk things out, and express your emotions freely. You're a good listener, and you're non-judgmental with your advice. Communication is how you connect with people. You're always up for a long talk, no matter how difficult the subject matter is.

Do You Communicate Like a Man or a Woman?

So the questions that were asked should be all I know about my man?

What You Know About Your Guy: Practically Everything

You have gotten to know your man really well From his hopes and dreams to favorite things... You definitely have enough info to figure out if he's *the* guy In fact, you may know him a little better than you know yourself

How Well Do You Know Your Man?

Yipee, I can organize my thoughts!

Your Mind is 48% Cluttered

Your mind is starting to get cluttered, and as a result, it's a little harder for you to keep focused. Try to let go of your pettiest worries and concerns. The worrying is worse than the actual problems!

How Cluttered is Your Mind?

Whew! And I thought I didn't know what I was doing, LOL!

Your Bedroom Personality: Healthy

In the bedroom, you are open, honest, and giving. You are the ideal partner in many ways! Anyone is lucky to be with you. You see physical intimacy as an opportunity to grow and connect. You are up for experimentation, but you don't require it.

What's Your Bedroom Personality?

Aww, fine... He seems pretty good - what am I talking about, he's perfect! I love him...

He's a Great Boyfriend

You guy definitely loves you and knows how to treat you right. You have a five star boyfriend - so make sure you treat him right too!

Is He a Good Boyfriend?

Moments

There are certain things that do not belong to you yet you intend to enjoy anyhow.

A good song. A nice 2 AM wake-me-up call from a friend. A good early morning cartoon rush with a nice latte and a few smokes. A nice cushion that protects your back. A wonderful ability to move past things that shouldn't be...

These are my "moments". I haven't had them for a long time. The incredible "itch" to write, to reflect and to submerge myself in the tub of my languorous haze. While this is mainly word vomit, I assume, I am not going to apologize for whatever comes out of my thoughts. I'm in a trance today... I shouldn't be sorry at all...

I've been nursing a very bad cold. I've been sickly lately. I haven't been getting enough rest. I've been incredibly tired working for the company. This is new because I just took a certification exam. It's from the Service Desk Institute in the UK. It's slightly expensive but the company paid for it. I guess to impress my colleagues, I really did my best to perfect the exam. I memorized so many things that I was dazed at the end of my exam. I was literally talking with myself after. It covered a lot of service processes, like Business Continuity Management and Outsourcing for IT Companies. It was pretty good. I just did my part. I walked away with 100%. Sounds like I'm being arrogant but I really had to do that. I wanted to prove to everyone that I wasn't just a girl who speaks English. I wanted everyone to know that while I can't configure Java to propel rockets, I can be excellent when it comes to information. I guess I proved something to myself too... I'm a pretty good guesser. Hehe...

I just noticed that lately, my main priority has been my career. It makes me feel incredibly guilty because somehow I've been neglecting friends and Jeoff. Somehow, it's hard to talk with anyone outside of the office. I know, I know... Actually, it's my high school reunion tomorrow. And for some reason, I don't want to be there. High school was never fun. It was never something that I loved. I hated high school. My teachers all thought I wasn't "applying" myself because I was always doing well enough in academics, but never to a point where I got perfect scores. My classmates were all grade-conscious freaks who would call me at 9PM (while I was watching "The X Files", dreaming about David Duchovny) and ask me about what the assignment was. My friends were not from the section I was from. I was in like some form of honors class. And I swear to God, I hated everyone of my classmates. My classmates were cutthroat, vile people that would say something evil behind your back, and smile at you when you're in front of them. I remember when I was in senior year... It was about 10 years ago. Our school paper adviser was asking about who to give the editorial position to for the features page. Everyone voted for this guy who had no experience and zero talent for writing, just because he was popular. I was given the sports page. It was pretty embarrassing. I had to be in every game - volleyball, basketball, cheering, track and swimming. Later on, I realized that I could write stories even with just knowing the score... I never had to watch another ball being tossed from one court to another again. Whoever said that democracy is fair must have been an idiot. (Back off please, my blog, my opinions... ) There was also this girl who "semi-stalked" me. Her name is Jocelyn. She still kind of stalks me every now and then. She would be in EVERYTHING I do. As in literally, in my face kind of involvement in everything. I was part of a lot of geeky clubs - like the Book Lovers' Club and the Science Club and she joined them. I was part of the choir, and she joined as well. I was also part of the school paper. She joined that too. When I started wearing my hair down, she did that as well... She started giving me the "evil eye" when she learned that my family was close with her ultimate crush, Lester's family. It was funny, because Lester's dad is my dad's really close friend. So once, Lester and I were discussing some stuff in school and she would look at me really badly, like she wanted me to burn on the spot. I ran for student council and she shot my chances by telling everyone that I was so cocky that I told her that I'd win hands down. Oh well... She told my friends, my party, my advisers, my teachers and everyone else. I had a fight with my best friends because they believed her. On our senior year, she became the associate editor for the school paper's features page. I quit on our sophomore year because I was busy with something else but I was the next in line for associate editorship. When I finally came back come junior year, she said and I quote, "Why would I step down for something she never deserved?". This is the advantage of being close to her ex-best friend. She is pretty bad. She added me to her friends in Friendster, I have been ignoring her invites until I finally felt bad and decided to add her anyhow. Facebook as well. Nothing is sacred. It's like she constantly finds me and decides to mark her territory. What she doesn't know is that she has scarred me for life. I don't trust people that much anymore. Fast forward ten years, I still hate her guts. Oh and I don't care if she invented a cure for cancer. She will always be mean and hateful.

I had a pretty long talk with Jeoff earlier. As I said. I felt pretty bad. I feel bad because I keep saying that he hasn't been sweet and wonderful as I expect him to be. As if I can blame the guy for being too tired as he comes home. I am a trainer too. I should understand how talking for 8 straight hours and standing and pointing to Powerpoint slides will affect your talking skills. I cried for a few minutes. Telling him that maybe I shouldn't expect anything from him. Sometimes, I really hope he'd be able to open up to me. He keeps saying that in person, it won't be so bad and that he would be sweeter. I just wish that even though we're apart right now, it's still going to be the same. He should still be able to talk with me. He should still be able to tell me what's going on. Oh well... I should stop thinking about it I think that I have a good man and an honest man. I should stop wanting the perfect man. I should love him for what he does, even though I prefer him to do something else. He should be grateful that I love him so much... But I'm pretty grateful that he loves me too. Perhaps what gets to me is the fact that I feel so lonely. It's starting to really get to me. While it's true that career is the primary driving force right now, I sometimes just want to hold someone when I get home. Coming home to an empty bed at night is getting to be incredibly numbing...

Didn't I just say this was word vomit?

New Template

I chose a new template. It's so fresh and new... so green... and it's called "This Other Eden". It's funny because somehow, I feel like I'm in the other Eden. The edge of a paradise. I just need to keep walking so I can get to the rosy pink side of the paradise. Sounds philosophical enough. But seriously, I just have to keep walking...

The Seven Deadly Sins (Part 3)

I saw this from Starter Mom and thought, it would be so much fun trying it out....

Thanks, Starter Mom!

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Very Low
Sloth:	High
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Medium

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

Apparently, I'm pretty damned lazy. Haha!
Things I have to look out for - sloth, gluttony and pride! What a nice trifecta there!

Someone to Watch over Me

A classic... No video, just a black and white picture of Ella Fitzgerald and it's something you might hear over a Starbucks Caramel Macchiato. It's almost impossible that I'd be listening to this song on a lazy Sunday morning.

I've been reviewing for my SDI certification and I thought of updating my laptop for some new Vista updates and to check some email from the office and I realized how much I remember the first date I've ever had with Jeoff. He doesn't remember much, but for some reason, I remember most of it. I remember how he smells - how the waiter keeps popping in and out with three plates of Mexican snack - the Quesadilla, the Nachos, the Fajitas...the beer. Everything seemed so wonderful though we were only a few meters away from the office. It was as if time stood still. It's ridiculous how much I remember what we talked about, how we talked about it... The morning after that date that made me send him more than a dozen SMS'.

For some reason, at that moment, I never really thought it would go anywhere, but here we are... Several years after, still clinging on to each other. I'm still smitten with him. He's still smitten with me. I only have God to thank for that. I pray that somehow, he's still going to be with me throughout everything that happens. It's almost miraculous how people hold on when they're in love. I think it's exactly what I learned from Glenna. A little patience goes a long, long, LONG way...

What I told him earlier was everything I have been feeling... It's getting really sad not coming home to someone who thinks you're worth everything. It's getting sadder and sadder not coming home to someone who cares about your day or thinks greatly of you even when you snore and drool comes out of your lips when you sleep.

I have been told once that relationship is not counting the years, but making the years count. I think somehow, I sincerely want to make the years count more.

One of those Days

It's one of those sad but very real I HATE MY JOB days. Wish I could get over the fact that I am almost ready to chew my own arm off to get the bond off my head. I feel like I'm a moving target. I certainly hate the fact that the SDMs of this company has somewhat managed to irritate me to my wit's end.

I don't understand why I can never seem to be completely happy in a company. Maybe when I get off this bond thing, I should really re-evaluate what the hell should I be doing. Maybe I will be happier being in a sweatshop factory. I don't know... But I am seriously giving this a thought.

I feel like I'm falling down... It's ridiculous to want to ask yourself what the hell you're doing in a company that you agreed to go to, but it's also ridiculous to turn your back on a decision you made. This is part of being an adult - delayed gratification, succinct and subtle ways to tell your boss he's annoying and knowing that actions have repercussions. If only everyone who works with you know these three rules then there wouldn't be much issues, right?

Random Snippets of Vanity

I was reading Cara's blog, and I read this line: "You should be with a person who makes you feel good and thereby making you look good. A person "blooming" while she is in a relationship is priceless.". Wow, this girl has been impressing me since day one. She really is pocketful of wisdom. Wish I was like her when I was younger...

***

I finally gave up on finding the right shoes. Walking on gravel and sand will be a daily challenge for me. Wherever I go - I need to walk on gravel and sand. It's pretty bad. I know, I know, no more sassy shoes or my feet and my corns will kill me.


On a lighter note, I found the most perfect lipgloss evah! Yes, it's Philosophy Kiss Me - ready for lots of kisses - mwah!

Bitch

Ok, so no more Miss Nice Girl. I am through believing that there is some justice in this world. I am a bitch and I'm not happy the person I've repressed for a good three years is resurfacing so promptly.

I've been realizing that I'm determined more than ever to get to be the training director - to a point that I actually almost cornered my boss and told him off. I just had a clever exchange with the woman he hired to be his Service Delivery Manager who thinks I directly report to her. Imagine my pain. The only reason I accepted this job was because I directly report to the Director. I never wanted to report to some bitchy manager who knows nothing about the service. If I wanted that, I would have just accepted any other job in a contact center. I can't believe it. She was marking her territory. She made it seem like I will be appraised by her. As if I care about damned appraisals. I can be fucking big time and they'd still flaunt the bond I signed upon employment. Oi vay! Two years!

I have several theories why I am turning into this angst-ridden training coordinator...

One - I am really this cutthroat, manipulative, conniving bitch who thrives in an environment that pushes me to throw my boss into a chair and ask him why the hell am I not being given the training director post...

Or maybe... I'm just lonely. Don't get me wrong... I'm not depressed. I'm not tired of my life. I'm not someone who cares so deeply for the world that global warming causes me alarm. I am really not that much of a Pollyanna. However, I am a woman. I am someone who cares a lot for the people she cares for. Whatever sense that makes. Maybe I am just wishing I can speed up time. Maybe I wish I can make time go faster by making me more tired.

Or I just like drama. Haha! Find me someone who doesn't like drama.

Everybody wants a good drama. Everybody wants a good villain. Everybody wants a good leading lady. I'm neither.

Last theory... I am just pissed cos I know I'm smarter and nicer and I practice all of John Maxwell's management principles, and yet, for some sucky reason, the bitch with the bigger ass and no idea of what the service she manages is the one who will appraise me.

Now, how's that for drama?

Losing Faith

Life has its limits...

Lyrics | If I Ever Lose My Faith In You lyrics

It was last March when I last saw Jeoff. It has been a good year and four months. Yesterday, we just spoke and for some reason, I've never felt more comfortable with him. He has been laughing at my jokes more, been more interested somehow in most of what I say. He has been patiently calling me despite the fact that I am just dead weight on my bed. It has been honestly, great! I mean people at work have been asking me how we make it work and all I keep saying is that you really have to work on it because the patience, the amount of trust and sense of humor should be way up there to make it work. People in the office have caught me sneaking into the pantry, just to answer a call. We haven't fought about anything for the past few months. I'm hoping it's not just a stroke of luck. I'm hoping that we're finally learning to see how everything should be.

I was pretty honest. About the proposal, the job, my fears, my pains - I guess when it all boils down to it, when you get to talk about everything, there's some hope that things will go well.

I guess when God gives you a slightly sucky job, He gives you a greater perspective in life. I've been amazingly blessed with such an understanding boyfriend. I know, mushy crap I need to write. Someday, Jeoff's going to be thankful that I mentally note all of the kindness he has been showing me. Haha...Ok, so if he's reading this, you better be thankful! :D

For some reason, he remains to be the one I run to. Friends have failed me so much that it hurts to think that I should probably give up on trusting altogether. Somehow, he is still the one I long to speak with at the end of the day. Thank God I found my center.

What I Need

Vulnerability makes you do stupid things.

Song Lyrics

I was hoping for angels to appear out of the heavens when I made a decision earlier. I was hoping for the skies to open up and actually spew out golden stardusts and fine sprinkles of silver and blue and congratulate me for a job well done.

Turns out that the world doesn't stop when you do something good.

I was approached with a weird offer the other day. Something that has to do with me being "beddable". Haha! Funny word. Funny offer. What's even funnier was I was pretty close to doing it. I was extremely close to losing my senses in bed with another man. Why? Because I'm lonely? Because I'm desperate for something to hold. Because I'm a nympho? The answer is none of the above.

It's because I can't always get what I want.

I want words exchanged between me and Jeoff to be dripping with sweetness. I want him to feel an all-consuming need for me. I want the world to stop revolving when I call him. I want the earth to shake and for him to have to catch his breath when he sees me. I want him to feel that exhausting and mind-numbingly brilliant feeling of loving me.

I want to control him.

I told him about my indecent proposal. Sans the name of the guy, not that it matters... I asked him how much he trusts me.

The thing is when I think about it... It all happened so fast... I am still a little girl - the naive girl that never thought of herself as beautiful. All my life, someone else was pretty, someone else was hot... no one ever called me hot, or beautiful... or sexy? Or anything... I was always the smart, witty, funny and analytical girl no one ever asked to go to the prom with. I guess deep inside, I always knew only beauty queens and model-types will ever find true love. And people like me become doctors and lawyers - out to defend the damsels in distress when they finally file for divorce only to be with new knights in shining armors. The people left for us to enjoy would be those scarred by the beauty queens and model-types - slightly unscathed but eternally marked for life.

I talked with Jeoff earlier. I told him about the man. I asked him why he doesn't have that all consuming need for me. I asked him why he can't feel what I'm feeling...

I told him about my disappointment about the heavens not spewing out at least a couple of angels with a golden banner saying "Well Done". He said "The world doesn't stop just because you did something good. But the world stops when you do something bad."

And there it was...

I can't always get what I want.

But I get what I need.

Wasteland

Who Lyrics

After a long good look at what I have done, I think I did well. 60% of my people got to earn the right to be part of my company. Whew, not bad. Well, I don't think I was doing bad, despite the last post. Seriously... I think I was doing well despite the circumstances.

Now, I'm looking forward to a meeting with The Boss next week. He'll be back from his beloved Budapest and I'm his only ticket to getting those Hungarians to speak better and communicate with customers in a much better way. We'll have to talk about HDI soon as well. Mental note to self: Must be in complete anguish so he increases my salary as I bitch about the lack of tools the organization is giving me.

Yes, yes... I am in some sort of rebellion. I have had it with his knee-jerk reactions. I was hired for a process, not to change it. I ain't raising a finger to push his buttons. Make me a director, and I'll do everything needed. Hmn, sounds threatening enough. In the humor me department, this is something that I should do... Bargain for something greater and something that gives me supreme power over something I can not control.

I simply want the bond to end.

I know, I know, how stupid of me to agree to something I haven't checked out yet. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE everything in this company. I love the people, I've made great friends. Like JD, the sup for the European shift...Yong, their L2 - more like the human lifeline for all things technical... Roy, the reports analyst....Yogi, the lovable fashionista...Rye, the incredulous boy who looks like Nicole Richie...Ela, the process-analyst who looks like a fashion model... and Aileen, aka Boss Ma'am. Lots of names, mostly men. Have I mentioned I work for an IT company? They are mostly men. The last two hires were me and a lady manager whom we will further on call Cuddly (not because she is in real life, but because I can't call her a micromanaging dominatrix without actually feeling guilty about it).

Cuddly has been ratting me out to Pretty Boy, aka The Boss. I would cry about it, except that for some reason, I stopped caring a whole three weeks ago.

Funny, if I care not, why dost thou tryst thy ideals unto the screen, you ask...
Well, surprise surprise... I intend to write memoirs in the future. A male and female boss ganging up on me would completely make for excellent book sales, don't you think? I can embellish the truth and say that they intended to have an orgy with me but I stood my ground and actually said no, hence the pain they cause my head everyday of the work week. Kidding aside, of course, I am but human. I still somewhat carry the all powerful axiom of working-class laborers. You attack my work, you attack my humanity...you attack me.

For some reason, as I awoke earlier this morning, I really wanted to work and I thought about the reason. What drives me to work? Is it cause I get a two-thumbs up from The Boss? What about Cuddly? I don't really get any external validation from any of them. Nor do I get any satisfaction in expelling and chewing up trainees for dinner. I am simply someone who is ferocious enough to stare a lion in the face. Come chow time, I know I just intend to stand really still. Hence the song... I don't really need to fight to prove that I am right. I need to stand still. I just want to stand still.

I know I am never going to fully be immersed in this process. I know I only count to three when it comes to my principles. Give me three headaches and I'm gone. Somehow, I think Merlin is going to stretch my patience. Wait, I think Cuddly and Pretty Boy will be stretching my patience.

Falling Down

I've decided that it is ridiculous to keep talking about how I feel.
Better get a song to do that for me.




Duran Duran Lyrics
Falling Down Lyrics

Worlds at War

Worlds clashing and banging against each other - it seems like that... And my head is smack right in the middle....



I have been experiencing some difficulty in this job. It's a bit weird. I completely am wondering if this is the right move. Training has been one heckuva disastrous ride. Every bump giving me a wonderful migraine attack. I just spoke with Pretty Boy earlier. He said something like "I've been impressed with how you've handled the amount of work given to you." My foot. I think I now understand the reason why God made you so irresistible... it's because you're a jerk.

I know, I know, very uncharacteristic of me to trash my boss on my blog, yet somewhat, hell, it's my blog.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days. It's mainly because I have been busy setting up training and actually training new people. For some reason, my boss has been incredibly busy in Hungary... I seriously need some structure. I need a boss that would hold my hand through the first stages and would tell me off if I'm doing something wrong. I need someone who won't ignore my 5 Point Plan. I need someone who can decide immediately. I can't deal with indecisiveness. Nor can I deal with micromanagers.

What complicates things is sometimes, the new manager is somewhat similar to my direct boss. She always complicated things with knee-jerk reactions. I need a company that won't push only when someone pulls.

Training has been a complete bust. Imagine losing 4 people under a span of a month. I must be some kind of an attrition monster. I'm so incredibly bothered. What if I'm not good enough for this company? Oh crap. I seriously don't have time for self-doubt.

How I live my life is incredibly simple. Every day of my life, I always - ALWAYS - try to look forward to something. Like last March, I looked forward to being in my new company. Last year, I looked forward to Jeoff coming home. Now, I am still looking forward to Jeoff coming home (Maybe more than ever!) And seriously, I look forward to every weekend.

I'll Be There (Unplugged)

Got this from one of my online buddies on Multiply. It's incredibly weird. I just really wanted to take a break.

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
So Gently We Go by I Mother Earth

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Figured You Out by Nickelback

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Unstoppable by The Calling

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Can't Get Enough of You, Baby by Smash Mouth

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Landing in London by 3 Doors Down

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Kung Ayaw Mo, Huwag Mo by Rivermaya

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Maling Akala by Eraserheads

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Lose My Breath by Beyonce

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Angel by Sarah McLachlan

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ulan by Rivermaya

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Heaven Forbid by The Fray

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Wherever You Will Go by The Calling

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Unforgetful You by Jars of Clay

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Waiting (Save Your Life) by Omnisoul

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ironic by Alanis Morisette

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I Wanna Go Home by Michael Buble

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Bent by Matchbox 20

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Laundromat by R Kelly

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU REPOST?
I'll Be There (Unplugged) by Mariah Carey

Saturned

This is a painting of Saturn, devouring one of his sons. It was when he learned his future. It was destined by the Fates... he will die when one of his sons eventually kill him. Supposedly, to prevent from his son killing him, he ate each one at the time of their birth. Goya painted this horrific abstract of Saturn devouring his child. Head and arm torn off, blood spewing. It was an extremely graphic imagery of how Saturn was driven to the point of insanity out of the fear of being killed. He chose to prevent it. He chose to destroy that which he initially held dear.

Saturn is the one in the astrological charts that keeps on bumping into your lucky stars on bad horoscope days. It gives you depression, isolation. It governs the house of emotions by repressing happiness and increasing intense negativity.

I have been living, governed by Saturn for a long time.

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming the damned star for whatever I'm going through. I just thought I'd start out with some weird icon that tends to define the state of mind I am in.

Just this week, I kind of learned exactly how much of a control freak I am. This is incredibly depressing, considering that I should have given up being the micromanaging bitch I am. Somehow, I can consider myself lucky because the man I gave my heart to didn't think I was too much of a scared control-freak to stick with me.

Like Saturn, fearing the future and imposing an incredibly horrible prevention plan became a cannibalistic and arduous task. It wreaked havoc with my mind and completely threw my relationship off with the man I hold dearly in my life. Metaphorically, I do tend to bite off and destroy something that seems to be working.

I guess it's something that people are so accustomed to doing.

Paranoia sets people off. It ticks them off and rubs them in the wrong places. It destroys the basic ability to trust in the goodness of a person's heart and intentions. And if you lose that hope, in humanity, in people, in the ones that you love, it's better to start living in a cave cos it's hard to get it back.

Pain damages your ability to feel. Supposedly, minor pain numbs you and desensitizes you. Your cells have a memory center somewhere in its mitochondrion (the powerhouse which houses the RNA and DNA centers of your cells). Your cells remember the pain and allows you to feel the pain prior to you actually feeling it. Somehow, allowing you to anticipate. For bigger and much major cuts and wounds, the theory is that the anticipation gets bigger. It is wider. The memory of the cells will be switching to maximum overdrive even prior to getting a stimulus.

Pain makes you do crazy things. But the fear of pain...? It makes you do something crazier.

It's almost impossible to live without fear but it's impossible to love in fear.