Worlds at War

Worlds clashing and banging against each other - it seems like that... And my head is smack right in the middle....



I have been experiencing some difficulty in this job. It's a bit weird. I completely am wondering if this is the right move. Training has been one heckuva disastrous ride. Every bump giving me a wonderful migraine attack. I just spoke with Pretty Boy earlier. He said something like "I've been impressed with how you've handled the amount of work given to you." My foot. I think I now understand the reason why God made you so irresistible... it's because you're a jerk.

I know, I know, very uncharacteristic of me to trash my boss on my blog, yet somewhat, hell, it's my blog.

I haven't been blogging for the past few days. It's mainly because I have been busy setting up training and actually training new people. For some reason, my boss has been incredibly busy in Hungary... I seriously need some structure. I need a boss that would hold my hand through the first stages and would tell me off if I'm doing something wrong. I need someone who won't ignore my 5 Point Plan. I need someone who can decide immediately. I can't deal with indecisiveness. Nor can I deal with micromanagers.

What complicates things is sometimes, the new manager is somewhat similar to my direct boss. She always complicated things with knee-jerk reactions. I need a company that won't push only when someone pulls.

Training has been a complete bust. Imagine losing 4 people under a span of a month. I must be some kind of an attrition monster. I'm so incredibly bothered. What if I'm not good enough for this company? Oh crap. I seriously don't have time for self-doubt.

How I live my life is incredibly simple. Every day of my life, I always - ALWAYS - try to look forward to something. Like last March, I looked forward to being in my new company. Last year, I looked forward to Jeoff coming home. Now, I am still looking forward to Jeoff coming home (Maybe more than ever!) And seriously, I look forward to every weekend.

I'll Be There (Unplugged)

Got this from one of my online buddies on Multiply. It's incredibly weird. I just really wanted to take a break.

RULES:
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
So Gently We Go by I Mother Earth

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Figured You Out by Nickelback

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Unstoppable by The Calling

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Can't Get Enough of You, Baby by Smash Mouth

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Landing in London by 3 Doors Down

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Kung Ayaw Mo, Huwag Mo by Rivermaya

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Maling Akala by Eraserheads

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Scar Tissue by Red Hot Chili Peppers

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Lose My Breath by Beyonce

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BESTIE?
Angel by Sarah McLachlan

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ulan by Rivermaya

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Heaven Forbid by The Fray

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Wherever You Will Go by The Calling

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Unforgetful You by Jars of Clay

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Waiting (Save Your Life) by Omnisoul

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Ironic by Alanis Morisette

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
I Wanna Go Home by Michael Buble

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Bent by Matchbox 20

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Laundromat by R Kelly

WHAT SONG WILL BE THE SUBJECT WHEN YOU REPOST?
I'll Be There (Unplugged) by Mariah Carey

Saturned

This is a painting of Saturn, devouring one of his sons. It was when he learned his future. It was destined by the Fates... he will die when one of his sons eventually kill him. Supposedly, to prevent from his son killing him, he ate each one at the time of their birth. Goya painted this horrific abstract of Saturn devouring his child. Head and arm torn off, blood spewing. It was an extremely graphic imagery of how Saturn was driven to the point of insanity out of the fear of being killed. He chose to prevent it. He chose to destroy that which he initially held dear.

Saturn is the one in the astrological charts that keeps on bumping into your lucky stars on bad horoscope days. It gives you depression, isolation. It governs the house of emotions by repressing happiness and increasing intense negativity.

I have been living, governed by Saturn for a long time.

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming the damned star for whatever I'm going through. I just thought I'd start out with some weird icon that tends to define the state of mind I am in.

Just this week, I kind of learned exactly how much of a control freak I am. This is incredibly depressing, considering that I should have given up being the micromanaging bitch I am. Somehow, I can consider myself lucky because the man I gave my heart to didn't think I was too much of a scared control-freak to stick with me.

Like Saturn, fearing the future and imposing an incredibly horrible prevention plan became a cannibalistic and arduous task. It wreaked havoc with my mind and completely threw my relationship off with the man I hold dearly in my life. Metaphorically, I do tend to bite off and destroy something that seems to be working.

I guess it's something that people are so accustomed to doing.

Paranoia sets people off. It ticks them off and rubs them in the wrong places. It destroys the basic ability to trust in the goodness of a person's heart and intentions. And if you lose that hope, in humanity, in people, in the ones that you love, it's better to start living in a cave cos it's hard to get it back.

Pain damages your ability to feel. Supposedly, minor pain numbs you and desensitizes you. Your cells have a memory center somewhere in its mitochondrion (the powerhouse which houses the RNA and DNA centers of your cells). Your cells remember the pain and allows you to feel the pain prior to you actually feeling it. Somehow, allowing you to anticipate. For bigger and much major cuts and wounds, the theory is that the anticipation gets bigger. It is wider. The memory of the cells will be switching to maximum overdrive even prior to getting a stimulus.

Pain makes you do crazy things. But the fear of pain...? It makes you do something crazier.

It's almost impossible to live without fear but it's impossible to love in fear.

Humanity Loses Face Again

I just finished watching History's Secrets, from Nat Geo. It was an episode of Adolf Hitler's supposed disappearance from Berlin when the Red Army invaded and imploded half of Germany to get him to surrender.

It was a jam-packed hour, detailing how Nazi aids and officials have taken the cowards' way out and swallowed vials and vials of cyanide to escape Stalin's retribution. It was even more embarrassing to find out that Hitler, despite all of the destructive orders and pain he brought upon everything he claims to hold dear, Germany, Berlin and Europe, he chooses to die in his own bunker, biting down on a vial of cyanide and shooting himself with his own gun, only to escape Stalin. Back then, criminals' bodies were impaled upon poles to be displayed promptly in front of people to serve as a reminder never to commit the same crimes. Mussolini's remains were hung for the general public to see, including his mistress' remains after being killed by Communists. Adolf Hitler never become something that can be hung, he had his officers char his remains before Stalin could have him.

A few hours ago, I found out that a male friend has still been looking for a doctor to abort his unborn child. That is incredibly painful for me, after we have specifically spoken that he should not abort the baby, nor will I support him. He went to another friend, a woman, who while being married and supposedly smart, thinks that a baby that is just a few months old can be considered a tadpole. She mentioned something like it doesn't matter cos it's just a bunch of cells, and that it would be better instead of having fights in the future. Referencing people who, if possible, would turn back time, just to avoid having children to avoid being miserable.

Her last message burned me. "I know you're into having babies..." and something that resembled that tghe only logical, rational and practical thing to do is to make sure that the bunch of cells would be removed to avoid having a miserable relationship.

I replied. "I'm not into having babies. I'm into doing what's right."

I refused to tell the man what would abort the baby. They can experiment all they want. I will not use that little shred of knowledge I have in curing people to kill an innocent child. I simply refuse to condone what he is doing and the female friend supposedly helping him.

Adolf Hitler was a megalomaniac, and he was able to acquire that power. He used it and destroyed something he claimed to love. It can be juxtaposed with the example of having so much power over your own body. Pro-choice, supposedly. When you exercise power over your own body and destroy someone else's life in the process, does it make it a choice? Or does it make it murder? While intent and fear plays a major part in making that somewhat awkward decision, did anyone ever consider that the baby is real, and already has life? It's not some fucking bunch of bloody cells!

While I have no moral ascendancy on this topic and can not throw the first stone, it pains me to know that humanity, in my eyes, has lost face again.

Day in and out, you hear of people killing other people for something as petty as a few bucks, a bottle of beer, a cellphone, a lottery ticket... Day in and out, you encounter people at the worst days of their lives and yet you try to live a life that is real and pure. Believing in the goodness of people's hearts... Trying so hard to grasp that humanity in its most powerful form is great, noble, altruistic and moral - at least, ethical... Holding on to the hope that somehow, people are virtuous, principled...

I'm quickly losing faith in humanity... but what hurts most, is that people I thought were rightful and would understand me were not the people I thought they were.

Hard Candy

Candy is something we all love. Sweet, amazing flavors bursting in your mouth, satisfying the need for something sweet to fill your tastebuds.

Hard candy stays in your mouth longer. It absolutely stays there much longer than chocolate does. Or marshmallow. Or anything else that can be chewed...

I just had some realizations about my life today that can be likened to hard candy.

• While I am supposedly sweet, too much of me can cause cavities. :)
• I am incredibly nice such that people might assume that I am into them.
• I am incredibly hard sometimes though that people don't want a piece of me in their lives.
• I come in all colors, shapes and sizes (color: I used to be lighter, then I got a tan from when I went to Batangas with my PS-ELN team, now I'm back to a slightly lighter color. shape: I used to have a bulky shoulder when I was bigger. size: a waistline of 42 inches, to 39, to 36... then to a 34... then to a 35... and now, I don't even know what size I'm wearing!) LOL!
• I am overtly packaged in more ways than one. I don't intend to save the world or anything...
• I can bleed (you know when you don't eat hard candy and just leave it on your counter top?)
  
• I do get more brittle as time goes by... (what the hell is present progressive again?)
• I have no plural form. I am the only one. Don't believe me? Believe it!
  

OMG! Makati!

I haven't been to Makati for such a long time! I am so frigging tired! I just finished the three day HDI training for Help Desk Analysts. I haven't had so much information crammed into my brain for so long! I'm so scared because my certification voucher expires this August. Dear God, I only wish I get to pass this whole certification or Matt will so kick my ass.

I get to stay at home this May 1st. Yay! I can celebrate my dad's birthday tomorrow! I'm thinking pizza and beer. Haha!

What am I doing? I have a ton of slides to create and recreate. The new hire orientation of my new company needs a lot of work. I am a bit scared cos my lack of technical skills is very glaring. Earlier, Chari, the HDI trainer asked us what a hub is. My mind immediately went to the obvious. "Err...airport?".

Sometimes, I feel like such a fish out of water. I am being thrown to the ocean with no actual training on how to swim. Oh well, this is when I sink or swim.

I got a 52 on my HDI assessment today. That's out of 55 standard questions. This is supposedly a great thing, but oh well, I don't really know for sure. I would rather wait for sometime before I do anything crazy like take the test unprepared or because of the sheer pressure that Matt is putting on my head. I know, I know, I have no interest in my boss, yet for some reason, he does get what he wants out of me. Pretty manipulative. Argh! Even when he is in Budapest, he chooses to be in everything. I can't really act on my own. Oh well, we'll see...

Wrapped Up

Myles has been on my ass lately about how Ryan has been choosing to stay out of my life. He seems mad at me for something. Supposedly losing me and his uncle all at the same week. It's pretty freaky how Myles would always say that Ryan has feelings for me when I feel nothing... Sometimes, I just ride along. Although, working with Ryan has been a little difficult after Myles told me... I wish he wasn't. If even half of it is true, I wonder how he feels about me talking about Jeoff all the time... Okay, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. He isn't...Myles is just crazy.
But wow, if he is... Sometimes, it makes me wonder what it would be like if I had a relationship with him. Would it be the same? Meaning my relationship with Jeoff, would it be the same relationship I'd have. Would I be this in love? Would it be this amazing? Would it be this scary? Would it be this perfect?

The thing about love is I don't think it's a feeling. It's not a question of "what if" and "what should happen". It's a firm and honest decision. It's a decision to be with the one that matters. Lately, because I have been depressed and tired, I entertained the thought of staying away from Jeoff. It's funny cos the moment I chose to sort of "let go" was when I was completely frustrated with myself and not with him. I keep thinking that I was obsessed with him and I should learn how to love him less. I know I had this conversation with Glenna once. She told me that she makes no apologies for loving Work, her husband, and somehow, she knows someday, she might have to have to "let go" a little but she doesn't. She knows it's ok to love and to love fully and completely, with no apologies for doing so...without thinking of the pain that might have to be endured someday, God forbid, he ever leaves.

Now I'm just taking things in perspective. I know I have such a wonderful and amazing man in my life. It's amazing how he brings out the very best of who I am. Somehow, I just feel incomplete...I feel empty. I don't think it's something that Jeoff can fill though. Maybe this is why I keep branching out. I want to complete myself before he has to deal with me. I keep on taking more and more responsibilities in hopes of feeling rewarded and consoled by my work. I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it!

Every night, I lie awake thinking of what I want most in life...and I got this list.
Not a love life, nor another man, cos I already have that.
Not a car. Lord knows parking fees can kill me.
Not my own house cos honestly, I just see it as a place where I can rest.
Not friends, cos although I only have a few, I get so much from them.
Not a new mom and dad, although it won't kill if they were millionaires.
Maybe a family I can call my own. I mean, a kid and my husband... a house with a nice lawn. A routine where I can cook dinner and have to do laundry every weekend. Maybe I'm yearning for that sweet time when I can kiss my husband before he goes to work and I can give him a massage when he gets home. It's ridiculous to want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom, but my gawd, I'd give my right arm to be able to do that...
Maybe getting more out of my relationship with Jeoff. I mean he gives me everything I want and sometimes, even more. But well... distance is distance. It wreaks havoc with nerves and fears and sometimes, even temper. It gets depressing when you see people getting flowers on Valentines' Day or kissing in a nice bar or restaurant. Being away from the one that you love is incredibly painful. Because you know that life is just not complete without it. I have been nursing depression for a year now. Doesn't really show, does it?

For some reason, I bet that whoever reads this will think that I am incredibly in love and I am a little crazy. I beg to differ. I know in my heart that should I be left again, I am not going to fall apart. Fall down, yes. Be depressed, HELL, yes. But I'm not obsessed. I am not pathetic. I am not going crazy.

I am just sad. Very, very sad.
And it's something that only people like me can understand.

Flirt Me

I just graduated from training today! I am officially a helpdesk analyst! Whoever said that I can't change careers must have been crazy cos I just proved to myself that I am not THAT dumb. I see logic and I can so do this!

Ok, going back home is still such a challenge. It's still a crazy hour's ride to get to the office but OMG, I love this job! When Matt gets back from Budapest, I am so treating him to dinner! Well, okay, I owe him dinner. Haha! Did I mention he's vegan?! I guess all that belief in me wasn't such a waste. I do have talent and I can fix computers and troubleshoot!

Apart from that, what is with today that everybody seems like they're flirting with me? After the assessment, there was one agent who kept on looking at me. The sup, JD, mentioned that he has been staring at me like that since day one. Nice. Men are starting to take notice. It just feels like lately, I'm so losyang. Haha. That's a word. Losyang! Losyang na si Meg.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not being boy-crazy. It's just that somehow, I do need external validation that I am pretty and that I am pretty desirable. I go home every night to an empty bed and almost no food. I'm pretty miserable... nothing wrong with believing that men do intend to get into my pants and do intend to make me sorry that I ever spoke with them. While I have no intentions whatsoever of actually sleeping with any of them...I intend to use this newfound power and turn it to something useful, like someone carrying my laptop until I get a cab, or actually waiting for me to get a cab. Hah! I'm such a user!

One little snag though, Jeoff has been pretty unable (or unwilling) to talk with me again. Oh well, he is in FL now, training, but come on! if I sent him a text message and he chooses to ignore it. I sent him an email which he also chose to ignore. I swear, sometimes... Oh well. What can I do?

Anyhow, the excitement of today was pretty great for me. Today I learned and proved to myself and to everyone that I am not obsessed with Jeoff. I am not going through a quarter-life crisis. I am not dumb. AND men still want me. I had a very bruised ego when I started in Merlin. Bad assessments, bad motive, bad KPI matching. Now, I think I'm learning how to fit in. Hopefully, nicely.

Cos I Had a Bad Day

I should be really studying right now. The online portal is taking too long to load and I'm a little strapped for time. I have a killer migraine and I could seriously go for a big old seared tuna fillet right about now. And yet I am here, on this site, killing a good 20 or so minutes only to vent and state what I have to say.

Next week, I will be attending the certification training for HDI (Helpdesk Institute, UK). I'm pretty excited and yet I am scared shitless. What happens if I am not analytical enough to actually fight this thing? Oh well... we'll see. There's an exam right after and if I am not going to be certified, I might as well chicken out now.

People say that everything happens for a reason. You land a job because you're capable. Why does it feel like Matt (my Brit boss who sort of looks like Hugh Grant, only younger and with better teeth) believed in me way too much?

Today at work, I almost fell asleep cos I'm nursing a very bad migraine which eventually went away at around 10:35PM. About 25 minutes prior to the end of my shift. I think it's my laptop. I have to make sure that laptop stays disconnected from a power source because I swear, it's messing with my eyes. I was also almost late getting to work because there were no cabs in Megamall! I hate riding the MRT to work! Going home, five cabs passed me by without even uttering a word. All I needed to say was where I was headed and they all just roll their windows back up and drive as fast as they can. I think I wished they all never get good passengers today. I wished they never get passengers at all.

I got home and I've never been more tired. I switched the telly on and woah... the digital box is dead. Greeeaaaaatttt!!!! The only thing that's working is the internet, and I had to ping Blogger twice cos it wasn't responding the first two times I accessed it.

I went to the kitchen and saw that all my crazy brother (whom I love, don't get me wrong) left me was a little piece of veggie omelet. I was really hoping for a nice seared fish with lemon sauce,but well, he really can't cook. What was I expecting. Podium was closed and all I can buy was either a cheeseburger from McDonald's or a little can of sisig from Select. I would go for the omelet.

Okay, that was my bitch brew for the day. For some reason...I am really hoping that tomorrow won't be so bad. If only I could get some studying done!

Age

Boxed in and caved in...
I just realized what I would be had I caved in to my previous plans.
I was just talking with a friend. Her wedding was just put to a halt. She was supposed to be married this December. Seems like everything was planned, but somehow, she broke up with her man. I don't know why she did it. She must have had a good reason. But now, she has been wondering what to do. She splurged on clothes and pumps and bags, using her supposed wedding money. She will be going to Subic this weekend and wondering who to bring along.
She is 34. Successful. Amazing communication skills. Pretty. Amusing even.
Why is it that her relationships never last?
Would I have been like her had I chosen to follow the path I was following a few years back?

We intend to have coffee in a few days' time.

Charmed

Picture of me, Myles and Rachel.
Those were the days when we were all friends. Gone were those days that we were friends.
We would often joke that Myles is Prue cos she's the eldest. Somewhat the strictest. She chooses to be very "protective" of the two of us. Rachel is Phoebe. She's the wild one... Would date anyone on impulse. While I am Piper. Has a Leo, who disappears every now and then but exists nonetheless. I am the most conservative one somehow. And I have the power to stop time. Okay...maybe not.

Well the point is, Prue and Phoebe had a little spat. Okay, it was a major spat. Somehow, Phoebe chose to absolutely disregard Prue's advice. Let's just say that when it comes to saving innocents, she kinda sucked at it. Prue was there to help and when Phoebe failed, she blamed Prue and yet Phoebe didn't really do what Prue told her to do.

In fact, Phoebe stayed for two whole hours in Coldstone just so she can tell everyone what a bitch Prue is. Poor Prue had to sit petrified in her workstation so her smoking buddies won't have to deal with a very loud and repetitive Phoebe who made Prue look like a scheming heartless bitch.

Piper was nowhere to be found cos she was busy tending to her bar. Piper wanted to be with them but Piper had to work but chose to stay away cos sisters always find a way back to each other.

The problem is it isn't a TV show. It's not some funny scene where the director yells cut.
I tried to patch them up but I guess the cut is so deep. I can't even get them in a room together. I guess, I better let it go. Although what Rach did was pretty bad. I hope Myles is ok.

Impossibility

I was being idle in the office when I decided to view my old emails.
I read the really really old ones. The ones where I was apologizing to a man I love sweetly and dearly. The ones where he wrote that he needs to be alone to find out who he is.



After he moved back to North York, I remember him calling me one day, when I was busy watching TV show on the Lifestyle Network with my mom, which we do often, although we both can't bake... It was ridiculous because all my senses came to life. It's as if everything I was hiding was awakened. He broke up with me and we kept in touch through email. I sort of started it, because I just "disappeared" from his life. I chose not to update my Friendster and deleted all blogs he might be able to find. I chose to be ungooglable (Read: No link on Google would ever be traced to me). So I sent him an email...saying hi generally. Back then, I was resigned that he would never be with me again. That he was in love with his ex and he would never choose me over her.

Well... 3 years later. Here we are. Sometimes, God gives you a miracle. I know He also can take it away. Now more than ever, I am reminded that people live such short lives. I only wish I can live a full one, being with him. I only wish he won't lose that love.

Engaged

I am not going crazy... but...
A few hours ago, I actually dreamed about something weird.
I dreamed that I was in this house a Spanish ancestral house with huge Capiz windows. I remember seeing rose petals everywhere. As if there was a romantic party... There was a wonderful buffet on an elongated table covered in white cloth.

I was walking towards the huge wooden stairs when I saw Jeoff walking with his ex-girlfriend. The ex looked amazing. She was wearing a red dress, tight against her body. It was silk. Very lavish. He was wearing a suit. And they were walking together. His arm held out like a military man, her elbow I'm sure, slightly hurting his side, but he seemed so happy....

I was wearing a white dress. Not a wedding dress, just something I might wear to a nice party. I remember him saying something like please go away. This is my engagement party.

I was turned away...

I wasn't crying or anything, but I grabbed his hand and gave him back the iPod he gave me. I was looking at his face. He seemed so different. His hair was different, his skin, his face... Yet he felt like Jeoff. I remember thinking that the man was not even Jeoff...

He yelled and said "Damn it, Meg, stop running after me..." He threw the iPod to me and it landed on my shoe. I then remember a slightly older woman dragging me away from Jeoff and the ex. She seemed so mad because she was grabbing my hair and digging her nails into my arm, so I won't go back to the stairs. Jeoff and his ex then started making their way back to the guests.

I don't understand what it means. I remember waking up and not feeling sad but angry. I was really angry. No, we haven't had a fight. And no, I don't doubt that he loves me so very much. He says so, and shows me how much he does love me. And what really struck me is how different he seemed. It was like looking at another man, and it felt so weird... because I recognize the ex-girlfriend's face. But I know it wasn't him. Maybe that's why I was mad. I was fuming mad because I was scratching and kicking and clawing to get back to him. It felt like I was in twilight zone. He felt so different. His hair, his face and his eyes. I mean, everything was different yet similar and familiar... it looks like him but it wasn't him, or it felt like him but it wasn't him. Hell, I know this post doesn't make sense. I just thought I'd write about this.

What's weirder is that my man just made me feel so special today. I don't doubt that he loves me. Nor do I doubt that he's over his ex. But wow, that was some dream.

Lost

It's funny when you start off knowing where you are and end up in a sea of confusion...

I'm wondering if I've lost the magic touch. Back then, I'd be wonderful... Whenever I get into a new company, I'd be dazzling everyone with the touch of gold. All my ideas are valued and my skills are treasured and it makes everyone amazed. Now, for some reason, I am not getting everyone to go "Woah, she can't make water into wine, can she?!". I have been, for the past 3 days trying to understand all kinds of applications. I have been learning Active Directory, Oracle, Symphony and even Hyperion. Believe it or not, I am to support these applications in the next two weeks. I have several more applications to work on. Citrix being one of them, including VPN, and other such applications. I've never felt more lost...

It feels like I'm a fish out of water again. I am in a huge ocean of IT sharks and I'm the only guppy left behind. I am shark bait and I'm just waiting for the big bad ocean to give me that one shark that would swallow me whole. I got a 13/20 on my first assessment. Hell, it ain't even a passing mark. You know what? Hell I care, I got a good score. For someone who has never done tech support, I'm a really bad-ass candidate!

Well, the plan was really for me to go for it and in gung ho fashion...
I don't think I have the right to question my own decision. I studied the potential and took the time to research and fight my way into getting this job. I think I have the right to make mistakes and to learn from them. Well, little note to self, I'll do better the next time. I swear it!

Cliched

I am fighting my very own cliche.

I am worth it. I am strong and powerful. I am my own woman. I deserve a love that is real and true. I deserve good health and normalcy. I deserve reality. I deserve facts and fiction every now and then. I deserve - no, I demand success.

I am a ladle in a bowl of gold. Dip me and I shine. Raise me and I am full. Empty me and still, I'm valuable. I am a conglomeration of things, both good and bad, baffling and scientific. I make no apologies for what I am and who I am as a person. I don't need people to validate me. I don't need reality to bite me in the ass so I know what I am doing.

I can survey and examine. I am powered by the mind that nature gave me. I can discern right from wrong. I have ethics. I can fight off ridiculous thoughts. I can wipe away bad memories.

I am enduring. I can face pain. I have several times and I am bound to encounter more. I know that endorphins can fight prostaglandins and I'm not afraid to use happy memories to fight the hurt. Nor am I worried that I'll run out of drugs. The pharmaceutical world can be very quick to fight that which afflicts people the most.

I can sleep soundly under a car, on a rickety chair, a very oddly-shaped couch and even amidst the bustle of Ortigas traffic. Yes, this means I have peace. I want to be at peace all the time. Less anger, less arrogance, less baggage, more peaceful more real, more me.

I want to spiritual, which should not be confused with being religious. I want to connect to the deity in my head.

I desire my life to go the way I want it to.

I want to be complete...

Time of Your Life

They say that 26 is supposed to be the prime of my life.
Well here I am. Pushing that little tumbleweed to the corners of my mind, wondering if there will be a way to reconcile what I'm feeling and what I know.

I have been feeling incredibly stupid lately. Thanks to the idea that I'm supposed to be the training coordinator, I'm feeling like I need so much training that it should blow my mind. I've never been one to complain about training. Usually I get what the trainer means. But for some reason, Active Directory , Oracle and other Telco systems do not mesh well with the noodles in my brain. I have not been a very good pupil. I am not getting this. I'm not getting anything. I'm trying my very best, but man, is my brain fried or what?

So I'm also trying my very best to make my long distance relationship work. I'm a little worried because he's still not opening up. When I ask him about things, he seems still distracted and worried about something. I have absolutely no doubt that he loves and he's just sick of work, but I feel shut out of his life... completely and absolutely shut out of his life. Like I don't exist, and maybe it's better if I wasn't there, breathing down his neck about spending time with me and being with me. I'm thankful that I'm busy - with all this training crap. At least it gives me time to focus on my own crap. This is the problwm with me. I have to create drama in my own life so I don't create drama for him. Something incredibly pompous of me to do, because I need some direction, and some guidance in this relationship, and sadly, sometimes, I look towards the wrong people for advice.

The worst advice I've gotten so far? Get another job so you can focus on your own shit. See what happened?

There are a thousand things that I deserve right now. I'm only asking for three.

1. Good health and safety for my family and loved-ones , yes this include friends and Jeoff .
2. A very stable source of income
3. The ability to accept things as they come and not get incredibly fumed about it.

Zen moments tend to save you from long arguments and from stupid conversations. The ability to drown out white noise from the background is an amazing ability, and when you hear something you don't want to hear, the ability to pretend that you didn't hear it is so much better. Maybe I'm not asking for Zen moments. Maybe, I'm asking for the ability to lose my hearing. Or worse, the ability to feel anything more than what I feel now. If I'm always overwhelmed, nothing would be able to cause me so much pain.

Well, I'm 26 years old. Maybe it's not the time of my life yet. Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe the world isn't ready for me. I don't know. I know who I am, and I know what I want. I know I want to be good and complete before I marry the man of my dreams, who chooses to lessen his words, but not his love. I want to be ready for the world and all it has to offer. I am ready to be beaten but I am not giving up without a fight. I swear, even if this is the last thing I do.

How to Save a Life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

How to Save a Life - The Fray

A friend just died.
We throw that word so loosely nowadays. Here in the Philippines, it is even acceptable to say "my friend". Redundance. Probably.

I think maybe, a few conversations in a good hour or so sadly doesn't make for a friendship. It makes for an interesting and riveting mental exercise in social networking. However, you take those things for granted sometimes. It sucks because when this person is suddenly taken from you, you miss them like crazy.

They remember the very first and the very last conversation they had with this person and people, people tend to be paranoid. They're creeped out. They're scared. They become lonely. They lose touch with their own problems. They suddenly feel bad. They start asking questions. They will want answers. They realize that life is short and for a time try to be whole, not wanting to question their own mortality or fate. They start wanting to help. They choose to fight some battles that aren't theirs. They eventually forget.

This is the first time I ever had to deal with someone dying - someone I sincerely knew and never wished any ill of. Karen was one person that took a lot of life's bad things. She battled Lupus. She battled so much more than that. She battled everyday and I don't know much, I knew some things. But I know she fought so much more than she wanted to let on.

I am still in shock. I have been scared, questioning everything in my life. I keep asking myself if I was to die tomorrow, would I want people to remember me this way? I make decisions everyday. To fight for something. To care for something. To ignore something. To learn something and to unlearn. Ultimately, I ask myself if I will be missed.

I can't ask myself if I can save her life. I can't. I can't think that had I spoken with her longer, things wouldn't have happened. Tinge of guilt sometimes get to me. Maybe if I stopped her from smoking, she won't pass on. If I chose to speak with her longer during our last conversation, I would have noticed something. I remember the very last conversation we had... It was in the ITI restroom. She was slightly bloated from the steroids and she mentioned something about being bloated and ugly. I told her, look at it this way, after all this, you'll be prettier. As if you're not pretty now. I had a lesson and I needed to go. I told her that and in her classic Karen way said "sige, gurl, go lang...".

Earlier, I looked through my archives of pictures... I just realized that while we were in some parties together, I don't have a picture of her. I don't have any pictures of her in the office, or in parties, when she looked her prettiest. I don't have her number. I don't have her email address. I don't have her in my YM list. I don't have any claim that I know her. All I have were 20-30 minute conversations with her. All I have as a memory are things we shared over a glass of iced tea or coke light or coffee, and a few sticks of smokes.

But these memories, I choose to treasure, I choose to believe in. Whatever we spoke of, whatever we talked about, Karen knows I only wished her to let go of. That was a long time ago. After that, we mainly talked shop. Business if you will...learners. How we deal with lessons, bad lessons and bad learners. She's my Bitch Brew Buddy. We complain about some of our students and well, she shares her thoughts too.

I only wish that wherever she is right now... she is happy. As Noel said when he was told this unfortunate news, "Malaya na siya" (Translation: Now, she's free). It gave me goosebumps. I know that she is free. And I hope she'll be smiling on us, knowing how much she is missed and loved.

Rest in peace, Karen. Thanks for the great times.

PS: I realized that there was one picture on my Friendster where I was sitting with Jonas, Noel and Karen. It was Myles who took it. :) She looks so beautiful there. She still is. She'll always be.

Faith

What is faith?

faith
[feyth]
–noun
1. confidence or trust in a person or thing: faith in another's ability.
2. belief that is not based on proof: He had faith that the hypothesis would be substantiated by fact.
3. belief in God or in the doctrines or teachings of religion: the firm faith of the Pilgrims.
4. belief in anything, as a code of ethics, standards of merit, etc.: to be of the same faith with someone concerning honesty.
5. a system of religious belief: the Christian faith; the Jewish faith.
6. the obligation of loyalty or fidelity to a person, promise, engagement, etc.: Failure to appear would be breaking faith.
7. the observance of this obligation; fidelity to one's promise, oath, allegiance, etc.: He was the only one who proved his faith during our recent troubles.
8. Christian Theology. the trust in God and in His promises as made through Christ and the Scriptures by which humans are justified or saved.
—Idiom
9. in faith, in truth; indeed: In faith, he is a fine lad.

[Origin: 1200–50; ME feith <>fed, OF feid, feit <>fidem, acc. of fidés trust, akin to fīdere to trust. See confide]
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Looking back at my own definition, I always thought that it was to see the unseen, hear the unheard, feel the unfelt...

to see the unseen
to hear the unheard
to feel the unfelt

yes, you asked me to wait.
and gladly i will...
i am relinquishing all control
so i can gain the moment i lost
i am giving up power
so i can change the future

fight for me
want me so badly that you will head onto the war without qualms or fears
look for me
in your life
in the now
in the future
resist your demons
so you can hold me close

i choose to be
now choose for me

such is my faith

i am blind
i am deaf
i am heartless

but now, i see
now i hear
now i feel
and yes, eventually, i want to live
i want to love

only you

Fallen Angel Alterni

Well, now I know... I think I understand what faith is...
It's the ability to understand without asking.

Goodbyes

I just did nothing, chose to be idle for today. I just woke up. I haven't taken a shower and this feeling comes over... Like I have to be online.

It was my last day in ITI. Being part of this company, I chose to stay invisible. It wasn't easy. I'm not gonna launch into a whole gamut of nostalgic goodbye quotes, nor am I gonna say anything about being alone. I am alone. Always. All I have is myself to deal with my feelings. All I have is myself to depend on when I'm not feeling well.

I have never been a fan of the word "opening up", yet lately, I've been doing a lot of that. To Cara, to Mylene, to Gaius, heck even to Jerome and Paolo. Justin, I have asked to take care of me when I need a drink so badly. I guess it goes without saying, I have made friends and I don't understand this feeling that I'm trying to protect myself from.

I didn't cry yesterday. Leaving my station felt like I was gonna be back. I chose not to get any of the materials I made for my students. It's theirs. It's the company's property. I felt very composed, as I always do.

There's always so much punishment in crying. Your body clams up, your face heats up and you lose so much water just letting tears flow. There's always too much emotion involved... Your heart valves constrict a bit and so does your throat. The whole process is a drag. It doesn't allow you to speak or to reason. Someone once told me that crying is a sign that you are human. That you are real... You see things for what and who they are. Then after, you can expect a feeling of relief. A real and honest-to-goodness feeling of relief.

I am still not feeling that relief. I'm gonna miss them all. I'm gonna miss them all...

7 Deadly Sins

Lust


Vanity


Greed


Pride


Envy


Wrath


Gluttony

Blogging Frenzy

I am so bored! Pero gwapo ung boyfriend ko! Mwah!

Personality Disordered

Big Five Word Test Results

Extroversion (30%) low which suggests you are very reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive. Accommodation (78%) high which suggests you are overly kind natured, trusting, and helpful at the expense too often of your own individual development (martyr complex). Orderliness (61%) moderately high which suggests you are, at times, overly organized, neat, structured and restrained at the expense too often of flexibility, variety, spontaneity, and fun. Emotional Stability (61%) moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Inquisitiveness (64%) moderately high which suggests you are intellectual, curious, imaginative but possibly not very practical.

Take Free Big Five Word Choice Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Oh my Gosh! I am so not a martyr! I just like to help people out!

I think I agree with the Emotional Stability part. LOL!

Mirrors

I had a very long talk with A*ya earlier. It was a wonderful talk. She too, has a loved-one, waiting for her. They have been together for a year and it has been the most wonderful relationship she's ever had.

She asked me if I ever get emotional about being separated from my loved-one.

I thought for a moment and said "No...". I regretted it the moment I said it because I know it isn't true. The pain of being away from someone you love, something we can share... I just didn't know how I'll be perceived. I automatically followed it up with "Yes.. It hurts."

I can see her tearing up because she felt the same pain. Same agonizing pain that comes with every moment that you don't have the one you love beside you. It kills you but it makes you long for another day, so that you can be with the one you love. I sincerely felt her pain. While our situations may not be the same, I know she felt the hurt in my voice as I felt hers. We kept on talking about love and hurting and being away. I told her my story, about not being able to leave and she told me her situation too. I told her my ideas, my thoughts, how being apart would crush you but you have to be stronger. How you commit everyday to the person you love because love is a commitment. It's not something that fleets or flakes out at the first sign of danger.

To me, she was glowing. I can see love radiating from her eyes. She would talk about him in the brightest context. With laughter to match... Pictures to show... It was beautiful. I think it is one love story I would like to hear of... I hope they do end up being together. I hope they do have children someday. I see her smiling at every mention of his name. Or how he would be wither her child. Or how wonderfully sweet and mature he is.

I didn't have to look into a mirror to see what was going on with me. In her eyes, I saw me, and in my eyes, she saw herself. And there is no mirror more powerful than that.

Bronzed

找 不 到

Ah, three little words... All in Chinese. All in a language I haven't spoken since I had a learner that spoke only Mandarin and can't learn English without the help of the triumvirate of ESL learners - native language, foreign language and a translator.

I just realized something as I was trying to access a person's blog... Automatically, the page registered as this... 找 不 到 - it means indiscoverable, or can not be found. It seems funny because this person seems to be everywhere. Oh well, one last blog to frequent. Her blog address is now deleted from my list of frequented sites...

I just realized that as of late, that is what I have been... Indiscoverable...
Someone that used to be a shell of who I was. I have come to think of myself as undefined, unwritten, like a blank page that needs someone to write all over me, so I can learn and be better.

I have been craving for a mentor for a very long time. It seems like everywhere I go, it's a chance, a risk... knocking on people's doors and hoping that someone would let me in.

I haven't found that person. No one has touched me so much that I know it will be okay to stand on my own two feet.

But I also haven't found me.

I haven't really seen me for a very long time. Sometimes, it feels like I'm just an empty shell of what I used to be. I wanted to be a writer... a poet... a doctor... and now? All I want is a good job, a nice family and a good husband - someone who won't hurt me nor flake out on me...

I'm not saying I've lost my touch. I think if anything, I've actually matured. I have given myself enough years to live daydream by daydream and finally, now, I know what would complete me...
But I still yearn for something...

And I can't put my finger on it...

Imposition

Meg's disclaimer:
I am very mad right now, so people who intend to comment, post anything that would just be all about fluffy honesty and friendship rules shit, please back off this site. And about commenting, it has been disabled, so don't even try!

im·po·si·tion /ˌɪmpəˈzɪʃən/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[im-puh-zish-uhn] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun

1.	the laying on of something as a burden or obligation.

2.	something imposed, as a burden or duty; an unusual or extraordinarily burdensome requirement or task.

3.	the act of imposing by or as if by authority.

4.	an instance of imposing upon a person: He did the favor but considered the request an imposition.

5.	the act of imposing fraudulently or deceptively on others; imposture.

Dictionary.com

Do you have friends that drag you along every little damned thing in their life hat the only relief you have is if you shoot yourself in front of him/her with a .38 pistol? Does it often happen to you that this friend would make you wait for hours on end just to stay a bit longer with people you care very little about? Does it also happen that this person would make any event in your life (say, you're getting married or getting a promotion) a problem for her?

I am quite honestly shocked and disappointed. People tend to be very selfish... When I told a few people that I was leaving the company, they were pretty okay with it. When I told the one person who would understand, or so I thought, because she has seen how miserable I have been the past few months, she just kept repeating, over and over again that I am leaving her alone.

I let it go and waiting for her to be back from vacation, I assumed she'd be okay about it now.

Lo and behold, she still thinks it's her problem.

I mean, come on! Does it seem like I am leaving you to launch a personal attack on you?! Does it seem like I'm really abandoning you? And IF I am abandoning you, it is my choice and my personal commitment to do so and it doesn't revolve around you.

Sometimes, paranoia can be seen as extreme confidence and arrogance. Think that the whole world hates you, and know that the whole world will...eventually. You always think that I am at your beck and call and will be there for you no matter what happens, as you claim to be there for me? All you did was tell me to stay away from the one I love and to make me late for all my appointments. I missed a few opportunities just to help you out with your issues and until the very end of my stay here, you still assume this to be YOUR issue?

The world doesn't revolve around you.

Cyanide and Happiness

My first attempt to embed a flash movie to entertain my readers. LOL!


Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Cheaters

This is a show about people who cheat on their spouses and significant others.

My brother told me to watch it with him. Slightly funny... Because I saw the episode that showed a very pretty young woman that was worried because her boyfriend seems to always ditch her for his friends. Supposedly, he can't join her for lunch cos he has to meet up with the guys, headed by his friend "Joe". That was extremely funny because OMG! Everyone who cheats probably has a friend named "Joe".

So the girl gets the Cheaters' licensed PI's to stalk Mr. Cheating Bastard, who probably should burn in hell, and to find out through video evidence that the dude is cheating. The dude was indeed cheating, giving lavish gifts to the other girl. The dude was a broker and the girl was incredibly loyal, and kept crying as she was watching the footage. I mean, my heart just broke for the poor girl. It was incredibly painful for her to be watching the man she loves making out with another woman.

So comes the confrontation scene. She gets advised to wait around a downtown street and when the cheating dude comes up with the other woman, she lunges at him and slaps his across the jaw. The following scenes makes Jerry Springer seem like PeeWee Herman's show. They fight for a few minutes, the dude blaming the girl about not having sex with him and always being out and working all the time. I mean, come on, that was unbelievably evil of him. He denied it over and over again. And he, at the end of the show, claimed that he is of a different level of distinction and he is only giving the girl a few more weeks to realize that. Ugh! The nerve of some men.

I have just one little simple rule in life. If you feel like you are not happy anymore, you quit... Quit a relationship, quit a marriage, but never ever cheat!

Jeff Dunham

It's official! I love this guy!


Achmed The Dead Terorist (Jeff Dunham) - Click here for more amazing videos

Achmed, the dead terrorist. He's so funny, you'd fall off your chair just laughing!

Questions

Today, I was subjected to a lot of questions.

Mainly from my learners. Poor innocent learners that have no idea why I am leaving the company. I was asked so many questions, offered jobs that I had no idea how to do and also some quite err... indecent proposals? Haha! There comes a time in a woman's life that she would have to choose between an aging German guy who probably walks around with a cane and a slightly naughty upbeat woman who has lesbian tendencies. I chose none. Thanks very much though.

It was nice feeling wanted and appreciated at work.

I tend to be a pragmatist in dealing with loss and/or opportunities. Emotions don't seem to catalyze anything for me. I am always the one making choices, except for when I am feeling maternal. Or broken-hearted. Or both... But talking about emotions, I feel them curdling inside me, wanting to break free.

Why is it that now that everything is set, I feel so scared to touch the ground?

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Maybe it's because all of a sudden, I feel incompetent. I feel powerless. I am suddenly scared that I'll f*ck up and I would have no one else to blame but me.

I am hired to take the driver's seat. I am hired because I can change a company, because I make things happen, because I can train 150 people all at the same time at night and manage working tools and CRM softwares during my lunch hour and make it on time for a 9:30 AM client call. Because I am a micromanaging corporate b*tch and bosses love that. What the hell am I so scared of?

I am scared of all these changes. So terrified of something real that for the first time in my life, I might not know how to handle. Did I mention I was hired to take the driver's seat? That was what the Managing Director said. He said I was supposed to drive. The direction, I probably know. How, I have no idea. I only have my brain to work for me now.

If I was to strategically design a 2-year plan of action for this people using a RACI diagram, I'd be sure to include everyone - the more the merrier? The less of an A I am (that's accountable to you...silly!). If I was to create SWOT Analyses for every project then the weaknesses would always include "lack of time" or " inability by A to provide possible solutions and/or compromises". Every facilitator's guide in that office will contain only two terminal objectives:

1. To be able to learn all concepts
2. To be able to apply said concepts

None of those would be SMART objectives if I were to sum it up in a CSS code showdown among my helpdesk analysts.

I know everything I need to do. What am I so scared about?

I need to get the scaries off my head before I even start f*cking up my newfound career.

Missing You Like Candy

Been a long time since I last wrote here. I think the last time was a few months ago.

So what has happened?

Mandy Moore craze in Eastwood.
Mandy Moore is about to rock the world later tonight. All day and night long, I've been hearing Mandy Moore songs - from her break-out song "Candy" to the latest release.
Just to make you feel my pain from having to walk several meters to get food and hearing the blaring music... Mandy Moore also caused so much traffic in Eastwood that I almost had to get out of the cab prematurely to run to the office.

All that traffic, I hate Mandy Moore! Argh!

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Incubus and Maroon 5 visiting the Philippines
Incubus and Maroon 5 was just here. Did I get to watch any of their concerts? Did I get to see any of them? That's a resounding no...
Apart from the fact that I do work for a living, the damned tickets are so expensive. P5,000.00 to see Maroon 5? Err, I'd rather keep that for something else, like a new gadget or a semi-used MAC.

Almost landing a flight to Boracay for a staggering P10,000.00.
I almost agreed to the plan my friends had. They're planning to go to Boracay, and it was for a staggering and impractical amount of P10,000.00, only for the flight. We're not including hotel accommodations and whatnot because the resort might not be available. I am a little bit shocked, because it isn't that practical to begin with. Why not just reserve the P10,000.00 for something else? Like a flight to HK or something more enjoyable than staying in the beach with 10,000 other patrons?
The bad thing is that my friends think I'm not going because of the amount Oh let them think of what they want to think. It's too late to change their minds anyhow. I just don't agree with actually spending that much for something that expensive. Oh well, some people are just suckers for the beach and I'm sadly not one of those people. I would rather spend time with someone over a very good dinner and just have coffee. Oh well, but it is just so "manang" of me to do that.

Training and Development Coordinator for an Ortigas-based company
I have just tendered my 30 day's notice to iTi. I am now, officially, the Training and Development Coordinator for an IT company. Don't ask me what my responsibilities are. The Managing Director lost me at SDM. (Sound like Sadomasochism, but trust me, it's more IT-related than that.) Seriously, a year of training myself to use CRM softwares such as Salesforce is finally paying off. I'm now getting what I'm worth (I hope)! I have said goodbye to a few people in the company. Well there are only a few that need to know anyhow. No one needs to say goodbye and get me so teary-eyed. I am going to miss a few people though. But well, friends are friends, no matter where I am. So there.

Patience badly needed!
I noticed how I have been lately. I've been flaring up more and getting more and more negative about things. I don't like this person I'm turning into. I think my job is getting to me. And handling 10-12 different people within a day with different needs. I think the whole idea of losing it is turning up. Kidding aside, I think dealing with low-level learners makes me a bit more impatient. As I told Aleena earlier, I really need them to improve. And I can't stop at them learning how to use the past and the future tense. I need these learners to learn to love the language. It's darn hard... Sometimes, I really feel my brain starting to leak out of my nostrils. It's hard being an English trainer! It's even harder doing it over the phone. What's worse is that I feel so out of my element here. None of my learners seem to be improving. I never feel like I'm a good trainer or at least a trainer that's good enough to last. I guess that's why I'm yearning so badly to be back to what I know best, despite sacrificing my precious "me time" once more.

Jeoff
Ahh... the only thing in this world that keeps me sane...my breath of fresh air.
He once said that he's never for me when I need him. Actually, I think I would completely lose it if I wasn't with him. True, I have it better than other people but truth be told, maybe I need something to remind me that this is the case, and he does that so often.

Tests

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||| 58% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||| 34% Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 70% Borderline |||| 18% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 46% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 54% Dependent |||||| 30% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||| 34%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Test Note: Read the descriptions below to avoid misinterpreting test results (for example, the Antisocial classification does not mean you are a loner, it means you tend to be insensitive towards others).
General Note: the validity and reliability of DSM personality disorders are still lacking in strong statistical evidence and clear agreement in the scientific and medical community. They are determined by the American Psychiatric Association and will likely be revised in the future.
Author Note:I don't think Schizoid personality is a valid disorder (read), some of the smartest people in history were schizoid because they occupied a remote end of the intelligence bell curve. Schizotypal personality can encompass highly original thinkers as well as totally insane people so I think it's a flawed type. I think the remaining eight disorders are generally valid.

Disorder Info

Eccentric Personality Disorders: Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal

Individuals with these disorders often appear odd or peculiar.

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.

Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.

Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.

Dramatic Personality Disorders: Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, and Narcissistic

Individuals with these disorders have intense, unstable emotions, distorted self-perception, and/or behavioral impulsiveness.

Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.

Anxious Personality Disorders: Avoidant, Dependent, Obsessive-Compulsive

Individuals with these disorders often appear anxious or fearful.

Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency.

Brain Lateralization Test Results

Right Brain (22.8%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain. Left Brain (77.2%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain

Are You Right or Left Brained?(word pair test)
personality tests by similarminds.com

Left brain dominant individuals are more orderly, literal, articulate, and to the point. They are good at understanding directions and anything that is explicit and logical. They can have trouble comprehending emotions and abstract concepts, they can feel lost when things are not clear, doubting anything that is not stated and proven.

Right brain dominant individuals are more visual and intuitive. They are better at summarizing multiple points, picking up on what's not said, visualizing things, and making things up. They can lack attention to detail, directness, organization, and the ability to explain their ideas verbally, leaving them unable to communicate effectively.

Overall you appear to be Left Brain Dominant

-----------------------------------------

According to Darwinian theory, optimal evolution takes place with random variation and selective retention. The evolution savvy individual will try many different approaches when faced with a problem and select the best of those approaches. Many historical intellectuals have confessed their advantage was simply considering/exploring/trying more approaches than others. The left brain dominant type suffers from limited approaches, narrow-mindedness. The right brain dominant type suffers from too many approaches, scatterbrained. To maintain balanced hemispheres, you need to exercise both variability and selection. Just as a company will have more chance of finding a great candidate by increasing their applicant pool, an individual who considers a wider set of options is more likely to make quality decisions.

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

That isn't very cool. LOL!

Killing Me Sweetly

My friend Kell showed me something mighty freaky the other day.

It was an article about Aspartame, the main ingredient of diet sodas, NutraSweet and Splenda. I am a chemist for crying out loud, and I failed to see the signs. I have been a religious drinker of almost everything that doesn't contain sugar. Why, you ask? Mainly because it was a "healthier" alternative to drinking something laden with teeth-rotting sugar. Boy was I wrong!

The webpage is titled "My Aspartame Experiment". Therein lies the chronicles of bad Aspartame pharmacokinetics on lab mice.

Aspartame is chemically N-(L-α-Aspartyl)-L-phenylalanine, 1-methyl ester. This means it is a methylated ester of the dipeptide bonds of 2 amino acids - L-aspartic acid and L-phenylalanine. The bad thing about it being methylated means upon being subjected to extreme media - whether in highly acidic or alkaline environment, it hydrolyses, cleaving off Methanol in its media. This means inside your body, your stomach, with all the gastric acids in it, you can release Methanol in your system, particularly in the small intestine.

Inside the body, in greatly acidic media, Aspartame breaks down into three main products - Methanol, Aspartic Acid and Phenylalanine.

Phenylalanine is unsafe for someone who is born with Phenylketonuria. This is a genetic condition which is really rare. If you're born with this genetic diseases, that means you do not have the ability to digest or metabolize Phenylalanine to Tyrosine, which is something the body can recognize and digest. A spike of Phenylalanine in your blood stream can cause seizures. The mechanism of action of this amino acid is that it competes with naturally-occurring larger molecules of amino acid to enter the blood-brain barrier thus, resulting in seizures in humans.

Aspartic Acid is an excitotoxin, which inflicts damage on nerve and brain cells. Although still debatable, it is shown that in rodents, such as lab mice, it causes extreme neurotoxicity.

Methanol, although carried by lambanog and other fruit juices (OJ's have the highest concentration), becomes formaldehyde, in the small intestine. Formaldehyde is classified as a carcinogen by the US EPA (Environmental Protection Agency). The European Union also decided to discontinue the use of Formaldehyde as an embalming fluid due to its cancer risk on Sept 2007. While thousands of data from Aspartame-producers claim that due to very little portions of Methanol are released, it is still not enough. Your body needs naturally-occurring Ethanol, to neutralize the effect of Methanol. Sadly though, diet sodas and coffee with your usual non-sugar sweeteners does not contain that. Only fruit juices, like OJ, have both naturally-occurring Ethanol and Methanol.

There have been countless data supporting Aspartame and its effects on the body, stating the health risk it poses on your brain, nerves and other pathologies. Do not be the next victim.